Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity
Recovering from the aftermath of infidelity is a challenging but it is possible to rebuild trust and revive a relationship. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned expert in relationship dynamics, offers a comprehensive three-phase method to guide couples through this process.
Phase 1: Atonement and Openness
After an affair, saying sorry and meaning it is key. The affair partner needs to admit their mistake without blaming the other. This honesty is important for progress. They should also tell everything about what happened, even if it's hard. Talking openly helps trust grow.
The person who cheated must stop all contact with the affair partner. No second chances. This makes it clear that they are committed to fixing the main relationship.
Phase 2: Attunement and Commitment
Forgiveness is the start of this step. Both people learn to deal with problems without blaming each other. Talking calmly about issues is better. Dr. Gottman gives ideas on how to manage fights in the book "What Makes Love Last?" such as the Conflict Blueprint and the Aftermath Kit. These resources offer strategies for handling conflicts constructively and preventing them from overwhelming the relationship.
In this phase, the affair partner must show that the relationship is important. They could tell friends and family that they are working on things. This helps get support.
Phase 3: Attachment and Intimacy
The final phase is about rekindling emotional and physical intimacy. A gratifying sexual connection hinges on open dialogue, where partners discuss their desires, preferences, and boundaries.
Getting professional support is always a good idea. They make sure both people can talk about their feelings safely. With time, commitment, and talking, couples can move past the affair and make the relationship better. Creating a safe space to express hurt feelings and concerns facilitates the healing process. With patience, commitment, and effective communication, couples can overcome the shadows of infidelity and emerge stronger than before.
Dr. Ester Perel offers another great perspective on The States Of Affairs, you can read more about that here. Some couples may consider whether ethical non-monogamy is for them. If you’re considering opening your relationship, Polysecure is a great resource. Others are More Than Two and The Ethical Slut. Here are some essential conversations if you’re considering opening your relationship.
If you’d like personalized support navigating trust issues, recovering after an affair, and/or considering if opening the relationship is for you, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
