4 Biggest Predictors of Divorce
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has spent decades studying relationships and marriage dynamics. Through his extensive research, Dr. Gottman has identified key predictors of divorce that he refers to as the "Four Horsemen." These predictive behaviors, if left unchecked, can significantly increase the risk of a relationship ending in divorce. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors can play a crucial role in preserving and enhancing a relationship.
Criticism: The First Horseman
Criticism is the first of Gottman's Four Horsemen and involves making negative and global statements about your partner's personality or character. This behavior goes beyond addressing a specific issue and instead attacks the individual at their core. For example, saying "You never listen to me; you're always selfish" is a form of criticism. When criticism becomes a regular mode of communication in a relationship, it can escalate conflict and erode emotional connection. To mitigate the negative impact of criticism, it's essential to replace critical statements with more constructive and specific expressions of your feelings and needs. Expressing complaints in a respectful and gentle manner can foster healthier communication and understanding within the relationship.
Contempt: The Second Horseman
Contempt is characterized by feelings of superiority, disrespect, and a fundamental lack of admiration for your partner. This can manifest through sarcasm, mockery, insults, eye-rolling, or any behavior that conveys a sense of disdain. Contempt is particularly toxic in a relationship as it creates an atmosphere of hostility and destroys the emotional bond between partners. Combatting contempt requires cultivating a culture of appreciation and respect. Expressing gratitude, focusing on positive aspects of your partner, and practicing empathy can help reduce contemptuous behavior and foster a more loving and understanding relationship.
Defensiveness: The Third Horseman
Defensiveness involves shifting blame and avoiding taking responsibility for one's actions. When faced with criticism or perceived attacks, a defensive person typically denies their own faults and may counterattack to deflect blame. Defensiveness can thwart healthy communication and problem-solving within a relationship. To counter defensiveness, it's crucial to accept responsibility for your actions and be open to understanding your partner's perspective. Taking ownership of your mistakes and engaging in constructive dialogue can help break the cycle of defensiveness and encourage collaborative problem-solving.
Stonewalling: The Fourth Horseman
Stonewalling occurs when a person withdraws from a conversation or interaction, effectively shutting down communication. This behavior may manifest as giving the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, or physically leaving the room during a discussion. Stonewalling prevents resolution and distances partners emotionally. To address stonewalling, both partners must commit to creating an environment where open communication is valued. Learning to recognize signs of emotional withdrawal and actively working to maintain a connection during difficult conversations can help prevent stonewalling and preserve the emotional closeness in the relationship.
If you’d like personalized support navigating these issues and changing dynamics in your relationships, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
