How to Find and Choose the Right Couples Therapist for You
Relationships are an integral part of our lives and they often come with their fair share of challenges. This isn’t anyone’s fault, we’re all difficult people! Learning how to share a life with each other and create a relationship where everyone wins is a difficult task. You do not need to do it by yourselves!
Whether you've been in a long-term commitment relationship for years, you’re seeking premarital counseling, or you’re just starting a new partnership, seeking professional support can be a valuable step in navigating the complexity of your relationship. Making the decision to seek some couples therapy, counseling, or relationship coaching, may be a difficult thing on itself… Finding the right counselor for you may feel overwhelming! I hope this quick guide helps you get a clearer idea of how what to look for when you’re trying to select a counselor whose style fits well with both of you.
How to Know if You Need Couples Therapy
The first step in seeking couples therapy is recognizing that your relationship may benefit from professional help. Common signs that indicate the need for couples therapy include:
Frequent arguments and conflicts that seem unresolvable.
Small issues become blown out of proportion in your discussions.
One or both of you frequently threatens to leave the relationship.
Constant feelings of being misunderstood.
Emotional distance and detachment from your partner.
Trust issues or infidelity.
Problems with intimacy and sexual satisfaction or sexual dysfunction that is negatively impacting your relationship.
Significant life changes or transitions causing stress in the relationship.
Feeling things are OK but you’re stuck in status-quo.
Feeling you’re more roommates than intimate partners.
Wanting to explore if consensual non-monogamy is for you, how to create these agreements, or addressing issues in your non-monogamous relationship.
Differences in parenting that seem to create too many arguments.
Wanting to explore kinks, BDSM, dynamics, and such.
Finding out there are essential, non-negotiable topics, that you cannot agree on (such as one of you wanting to have kids and the other partner never wanting to have children).
Just wanting to be intentional and create a space and connection with a ‘third party’. Prevention is always the best medicine!
Types of Couples Therapy
Couples therapy or counseling can take various forms, and it's important to understand the different approaches. Some common types of couples therapy include:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Focuses on identifying and changing unhealthy patterns of behavior and thought.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Emphasizes the emotional bond between partners and helps improve communication.
Gottman Method: Based on the research of Dr. John Gottman, this approach focuses on building trust and intimacy while addressing conflict.
Narrative Therapy: Explores the stories and narratives that shape your relationship, helping you reframe them in healthier ways.
Imago Relationship Therapy: Concentrates on understanding your partner's perspective and addressing childhood wounds that may affect your relationship.
Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT): Understanding and addressing the interplay between psychological and physiological factors in the dynamics of a romantic relationship to promote better understanding and healthier interactions between partners.
Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT): Concentrates on changing specific behaviors and patterns contributing to relationship distress.
Family Systems Therapy: Explores how family dynamics and history affect the couple's relationship.
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy: Emphasizes finding solutions and setting goals to improve the relationship quickly.
Interpersonal Therapy (IPT): Focuses on improving communication, resolving conflicts, and addressing interpersonal issues.
Relational Life Therapy: Aims to help couples create more fulfilling relationships through self-awareness and empathy.
In my opinion, the best approach is combining of common elements (the things many therapeutic approaches agree on) and tailoring them to the specific needs and goals of my clients. Often, I recommend tools and resources that I have found personally helpful with myself or within my relationship. But as I like to say, I have suggestions or ideas, not solutions!
Part of the process is finding what works for each and both of you. You may be given assignments or receive resources on a specific topic. It’s on each of you to follow through at home- where the real work and progress happens- and find what’s best for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach.
Seek Recommendations
One of the most effective ways to find a couples therapist is to seek recommendations from trusted sources:
Friends and Family: Ask friends or family members who have been through couples therapy for their recommendations.
Medical Professionals: Consult your primary care physician or a mental health provider for referrals.
Directories: If you have insurance, they have a directory of in-network counselors and might even help you find counselors who are currently accepting new clients. Websites like Psychology Today, ZocDoc, and Mental Health Match are good places to start. If you need low rates for counseling, you may want to check Open Path.
Local Support Groups: Attend support groups or workshops for couples where you might meet others who can recommend a therapist. If you have social media, you can try requesting suggestions in local groups.
Check Credentials and Licensing
You may want to verify the credentials, trainings, and/or licensing of any potential couples therapist. Look for professionals who are licensed in their respective fields, such as licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFT), licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), or licensed psychologists (Ph.D. or Psy.D.). There are also people, like myself, who specialize in certain areas but had a different educational path. In some cases, they may not hold a license but you can inquire about trainings and experiences working in the field.
Unfortunately many counselors who work with couples have no special training on it. Furthermore, sex and intimacy seem to have been forgotten in many graduate programs and unless they have taken it on their own hands to seek education, resources, and/or specialized supervision to help their clients in such topics they are mostly just winging it. I believe this to be an aspect the sexology field should advocate for…
Even if you are not specifically seeking support in the sexual aspect of your relationship, it might be helpful to find a counselor who is comfortable and knowledgeable in addressing this should issues or concerns eventually arise. Professionals such as Certified Sex Therapist, Clinical Sexologists, and others who have completed specialized training in this area are typically required to complete a Sexual Attitudes Reassessment (SAR) training, an educational and therapeutic process designed to help individuals explore and examine their attitudes, beliefs, and values related to human sexuality.
Requesting a consultation (typically a 5-10 minutes phone call) or sending a detailed email explaining what you’re needing support with may help you identify if the counselor is the right fit for you.
Specializations
Different therapists may specialize in various areas, such as infidelity, LGBTQ+ relationships, blended families, or trauma. Choose a therapist whose specialization aligns with your specific needs and challenges. I frequently invite potential clients to browse through my blog posts so they can get an idea of what I do, what my values are, and approaches that I use to support our work together. If they have a specific issue they are wanting help with, I may send them a link or what my usual starting points are.
An experienced couples counselor is more likely to have encountered a wide range of issues and developed effective strategies for addressing them. You may ask about the therapist's years of experience and their success in helping couples with similar issues. However, each case is different- even if they have the same problems. We all have our own combination of experiences. There’s no specific formula to get you from point A to point B.
Assess Compatibility and Comfort
At the end of the day, I believe more than knowledge, education, credentials, and experience in the field, it sometimes comes down to whether you like the person or not. If you don’t like your counselor, feel you’re too different (for example, in age difference, life experiences, or cultural backgrounds) it may be difficult to build the level of trust and comfort it takes to be able to open up. It can be very difficult and awkward to come tell a stranger all your deepest sorrows, disappointments, failures, etcetera…
Eventually, you’d want to create a relationship where you can feel OK enough to share
To be able to “feel your feelings” whether that is laughing together about how a tiny problem became a huge fight all the way to feeling angry and raising your voice or cry in the session. At times, you might need to “shop around” for a counselor and sometimes give it a few times to see if it’ll work out or not.
In “proper” terms, the relationship with the counselor is called rapport. During the initial consultation, assess whether you feel comfortable and understood by them. Consider their communication style, empathy, and whether you both feel heard. It is sometimes like walking on a tightrope because the counselor might inevitable- and sometimes subconsciously- identify more with one partner more than the other. However, it is important to know that when you come as a couple neither of you are the clients - the relationship is the client.
I often let my couples know that my goal is to make myself obsolete. To help you be able to talk about these sort of stuff on your own and be here so you know who to go back to when you feel you can’t. But what starts as each of you telling your side to me, becomes you talking to each other and me just watching and listening like a fly on the wall… To help move this along, I might send my couples with home assignments from time to time.
Discuss Treatment Approach
Before committing to working with them, have a discussion about their treatment approach. Understand what techniques they use and how they tailor their methods to your specific needs. Clear communication about the therapeutic process is essential for a successful outcome. Looking at their professional biography, credentials or trainings, listed specialties, and any articles they have written can give you an idea about this.
Discuss Logistics
When I was working as a Care Coordinator for a group mental health private practice in Saint Petersburg, Florida and a client wanted my help choosing the right therapist, I always asked what days and times they are typically available. It can be the greatest therapist for you and someone you both ‘vibe’ really well with… but if they aren’t available or they cannot be flexible with their schedule - especially if you have a schedule that changes frequently- it may not work in the long run. Personally, my in-person schedule is not as flexible but my virtual schedule is. You may want to ask about this before or during your first session.
Additionally, ask what is the session length, frequency, and fees. Ensure that the logistical aspects align with your schedule and budget. A typical couples sessions is 50 minutes but some approaches and/or counselors may offer or require extended sessions. Some insurances cover couples counseling but not all. You’d need to confirm if that specific counselor is in-network with your insurance. If that is not an option, you may check if your insurance policy has out-of-network benefits and request a superbill from your counselor. Your insurance would let you know their process and how much you’d get reimbursed for these sessions.
If you’re paying for sessions out-of-pocket, considering how often you want to do sessions and what your budget is will help you figure out if the counselor’s rates work for you. If your budget is tight, you may try to find whether that counselor offers a sliding scale. This is a discounted rate available for clients who may not be able to afford their full rate and may vary based on season, location, etcetera.
Trust Your Instincts
Ultimately, trust your instincts when choosing a couples therapist. If something doesn't feel right or if you don't connect with the counselor after a few sessions, it's okay to seek a different professional. However, do allow yourself time. I like to think of it as a process of controlling the fires and then figuring out what caused them in the first place (or figuring out how to turn it on again!).
For most people who seek relationship coaching or counseling , they are essentially trying to rewire their brain. This takes time. Do not expect that in just a few weeks you will reroute patterns and dynamics that you have both been creating for probably a few years, plus the years that came before you got together. Celebrate the small wins, sometimes not screaming at each other for a week is a win. Sometimes not shutting down and being able to say “I need a break, I cannot talk right now” is a big win… For some, being able to sit next to each other in the couch is win. Once you have found a counselor you like, put in the work and trust the process.
At the end of the day, remember that the majority of the work does not rest on your counselors. The decisions definitely do not rest on them either! You are each the experts of your own experience and, as with all other types of therapy, it is ultimately up to both of you to decide how to navigate this process.
What’s the difference between working with me and working with a therapist?
I have extensive training and experience in the mental health field. My approach is rooted in psychological theory and I follow a trauma-informed approach. My main framework of work is Interpersonal Neurobiology, which explores who brain/body, mind, and relationships interact to create our experience. When clients are opened to it, I incorporate mindfulness practices such as mindful breathing, breathwork, body scans, relaxation exercises and movement in sessions to support their self-exploration, coping with stress and manage difficult emotions, change behaviors, have better sex through mindfulness, and more… I adapt such practices to my clients goals.
However, it is important to note that therapists have specific educational and training requirements. They are also overseen by ethical and legal boards and are limited by state licensure. Furthermore, most therapists offer a mental health diagnosis to their clients.
The therapeutic, counseling, or coaching relationship is just as essential as any other component (such as credentials, experience, and whatnot). In my experience, what most often distinguishes one counselor from another is not their training or modalities. More often than not, it is a match in each person’s personality and/or communication style.
When I work with clients, I strive to create an authentic connection. I do not have everything figured out and have encountered (or created) many struggles. My style in session is conversational. While I do have a list of questions or things I typically look for, I try to keep the conversation as organic as possible. It’ll be driven by you, I’m here to follow your lead and interject only when needed.
In our first session, we’d try to set a few markers to measure our progress. We discuss what are the main reasons to seek service and what you’re hoping to get from our sessions. Often, each session revolves around whatever has happened in-between sessions. Within this context, we explore your communication styles, relationship dynamics, how each of you contribute to the dance, find out what are your solvable problems and which are here to stay and you need to find how to co-exist with them.
To learn more about my approaches and typical go-to resources, you can browse the Resources section. You can see more about my training here and the frequently asked questions here. If you’d like to get a jump start, visit “Why Are Relationships So Hard and What Can We Do About It?”.
If you’d like to inquire whether I might be a good fit for you, click here to send a message or request a free consultation (5-10 minutes phone call).
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
