Don't Let "Should" Weigh You Down
Free Yourself from the "Shoulds"
“Shoulding” is a cognitive distortion. It tells you that there is an obligation to do something different than the current reality. Is your should a true responsibility where sensible actions are needed or a statement that doesn’t truly align with your own core values? How often do you catch yourself saying things like:
I should want more sex.
I should want less sex.
I shouldn’t feel…
I should shave.
I should look like…
I shouldn’t like to…
Whichever ‘should’ flavor you pick, it comes down to the same… “I should know better. I should be better. I am not doing it right. I am not good enough.”
Using "should" or "shouldn't" can make us feel guilty, incompetent, like failures, broken, or lacking self-control. It's putting pressure on yourself based on what you think you're supposed to do or be. Regardless of the specifics, it all boils down to the same message: "You should be better, you should know better, you're not doing it right." The problem arises when this "shoulding" becomes automatic thinking, making us feel wrong and guilty if we don't comply.
"Shoulding" on ourselves strengthens the belief that, left to our own devices, we can't be trusted. Our behaviors are so driven by "shoulds" that we're losing touch with what we truly "want". We've learned what we "should" want but have lost touch with our genuine desires, often confusing the two. Out of touch with our own "wanting," we've lost intimacy with ourselves. We know who we're supposed to be but not who we are.
This becomes a problem when it arises from automatic thoughts often stemming from abstract or universal obligations. When we don’t meet the standard, we feel wrong, shameful, guilty… For example, sexual shame is a common experience that prevents people from looking for support when is needed.
Feeling stuck?
Guilt and overwhelm often lead to inaction. The more you feel like you "should" do something, the less likely you'll actually do it. Becoming aware of your relationship with "should" and "want" allows you to meet your authentic self and break free from the tyranny of "should."
Why? Question why you do or think that way.
Throughout the day, ask yourself if you're doing something because you want to or because you should.
If it's a "should," ask why and identify the fear associated with not doing it.
Dig deeper: Who says you should? Under what circumstances?
Ask yourself why and challenge societal norms.
Notice if recognizing the choice as a "should" changes the choice itself or how it feels to carry it out.
Remember, your decisions are yours to make. Live life on your terms.
Change Your Words. Make the Shift:
Swap "should" with "I want... can... will... am." “I choose to.”
Change your inner dialogue and mindset.
Small vocabulary changes give you more control and reduce stress.
The Pleasure "Should-Free” Zone
Set aside at least an hour every day as a "should-free" time.
During this time, attend only to what you genuinely want. If a "should" sneaks in, set it aside for later or let it go.
If no specific "want" emerges, be patient – it may take time for genuine desires to surface.
You can check out The Pleasure Zone: The Eight Core Pleasures to get ideas of experiences that bring you feel good feelings.
These practices often reveal surprising discoveries:
Practice following your own values and approaching yourself with compassion and kindness.
Have the opportunity to have authentic connections, not based on what you “should” do.
Freedom to explore yourself and how you want to show up in the world and in your relationships with genuineness.
Even when we must do something because we "should," acknowledging it mindfully allows us to approach it with compassion and discernment.
“I choose” Freedom
We have the freedom to choose our actions. Breaking free from the hold of "should" involves bringing the thought into the open and substituting "choose" for "should." This reframing acknowledges your agency and reveals the illogical nature of "should." If you don't choose to do something, you don't truly believe you should.
Choosing over "shoulding" moves you closer to action. It prompts you to consider the consequences, costs, and benefits before committing to a choice. Constantly thinking about what you "should" do only leads to misery, without the meaningful impact of a deliberate choice. In contrast, what you do, and what you don’t, has the power to change the world to some degree.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
