Sex, Intimacy, & Well-Being

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The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher in the field of relationships, has identified seven principles for making marriages work, which he outlines in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." These principles are based on his extensive research and observations of couples. Here are the seven principles:

  1. Enhance Your Love Maps: This principle emphasizes the importance of knowing your partner deeply. It involves understanding your partner's inner world, including their dreams, fears, and values. Couples can strengthen their love maps by asking questions, actively listening, and showing genuine interest in each other's lives.

  2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Building a strong foundation of fondness and admiration involves focusing on your partner's positive qualities and expressing appreciation for them. Couples should regularly remind each other of what they love and admire about their partner, reinforcing the positive aspects of the relationship.

  3. Turn Toward Each Other: In healthy marriages, partners consistently turn toward each other for emotional connection and support. This involves being responsive to each other's bids for attention, affection, and communication. Turning toward instead of turning away or against each other is crucial for maintaining intimacy.

  4. Let Your Partner Influence You: Successful marriages involve mutual decision-making and respect for each other's opinions and desires. Allowing your partner to have a say in the relationship and being open to compromise fosters a sense of equality and partnership.

  5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: In every marriage, there will be conflicts and disagreements. Gottman suggests that couples should focus on resolving issues that are solvable rather than perpetual. Effective problem-solving includes active listening, compromise, and finding win-win solutions.

  6. Overcome Gridlock: Some problems in a marriage may be perpetual and unsolvable. The key is to manage these issues with patience and understanding rather than trying to "win" the argument. Find ways to live with these differences and accept them.

  7. Create Shared Meaning: Building a meaningful life together involves creating shared goals, values, and rituals. Couples should work together to establish a sense of purpose and meaning in their marriage. This can include shared traditions, aspirations, and a strong sense of being a team.

Dr. Gottman's research has shown that couples who consistently apply these principles in their relationships are more likely to have successful, fulfilling marriages. These principles provide a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of marriage, foster intimacy, and build a lasting connection.

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