“I am here for you.”: Stress-Reducing Conversation Exercise for Couples
“The stress-reducing conversation helps you manage the stress in your daily life (not caused by your relationship) so that outside stressors don’t spill over into your relationship.”
In Gottman therapy, a stress-reducing conversation refers to a specific type of communication technique designed to help couples manage and reduce stress within their relationship. This approach is based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, and Dr. Julie Gottman. who have conducted extensive research on marriage and couples' dynamics.
The stress-reducing conversation is a structured way for couples to engage in open and supportive dialogue, especially during times of conflict or heightened emotions (that come from outside the relationship). It involves the following steps:
Set a Positive Tone: Begin the conversation in a calm and relaxed manner. Use a friendly and non-threatening tone of voice.
Express Appreciation: Each partner takes turns expressing appreciation for something positive about the other person or the relationship. This sets a positive atmosphere for the conversation and helps reduce tension.
Share Stress or Concern: Each partner then takes a turn sharing a current stressor, concern, or issue that they are facing. It's important to express feelings and thoughts without blaming or criticizing the other person.
Listen Actively: The listener practices active listening, showing empathy and understanding towards the speaker. Avoid interrupting or offering immediate solutions.
Validate Emotions: The listener acknowledges the emotions of the speaker and validates their feelings, even if they don't necessarily agree with the perspective.
Switch Roles: After the first partner has shared and the other partner has actively listened and validated their feelings, the roles are reversed. The second partner shares their stressor or concern, while the first partner listens and validates.
Problem-Solve Together: Once both partners have shared their stressors and felt heard, they can engage in collaborative problem-solving if the issues require it. The focus is on finding solutions that work for both individuals and the relationship. As a rule of thumb, you can ask your partner if they just want to be listened to or if they’d like your opinion on the matter at this time…
End on a Positive Note: Conclude the conversation by expressing gratitude for the opportunity to communicate and connect. Reinforce the commitment to supporting each other through challenges.
The stress-reducing conversation is designed to enhance emotional intimacy, improve communication skills, and foster a sense of mutual support and understanding. The stress-reducing conversation is a structured way for couples to engage in open and supportive dialogueThis also stimulates the production of stress-reducing hormones- such as oxytocin. It helps couples navigate difficult conversations while reducing the likelihood of escalation and conflict.
If you’d like help creating a sense of safety and teamwork in your relationship, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
