30 Sexual Myths and Misconceptions
There are numerous misconceptions and myths surrounding sex and sexuality. Here are some common ones:
Size: One common misconception is that bigger genitals equate to better sexual performance or pleasure. In reality, sexual satisfaction is not solely dependent on size, but on communication, emotional connection, and mutual consent. Since this is mostly related to penises, I’ll take the opportunity to add that even in a cisgender (identifying with your biological sex), heterosexual (feeling sexually attracted to the opposite sex) sexual relationship, you do not need a penis to satisfy a vulva… Actually, in the cases I have work with when size has become an issue, it is actually for cases that we’re working with vaginal pain- stemming from different causes- and we have actually implemented the use of bumpers, such as OHNUT’s, to reduce the length of the penis.
Virginity and Hymen: The idea that the presence of an intact hymen determines virginity is a misconception. The hymen can be stretched or torn through various activities unrelated to sexual intercourse, and not all individuals with vaginas have intact hymens.
Female Orgasm: There's a misconception that all people with vaginas should experience orgasm solely through penetrative intercourse. In reality, many individuals require different types of stimulation to achieve orgasm. Most specifically, clitoral stimulation. Many may enjoy a more pleasurable orgasm when there is a combination of both clitoral and vaginal stimulation but, as stated below, there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sex. Don’t assume what a partner might like, or dislike, solely based on their genitals. OMGYES.com is a great resource for vulvas and their lovers!
Male Orgasm and Ejaculation: Just like with females, there's a misconception that male sexual pleasure and satisfaction are solely linked to ejaculation. Men can experience pleasure without ejaculation, and vice versa. Most men masturbation protocol is to go right at it and done. Exploring building up can lead to a greater orgasm. Additionally, this becomes a lot more important for people who have medical issues such as spinal chord injury that interfere or has completely erased their ability to have erections.
Overfocused on genitals: Yes, our genitals, especially in the glans, are rich in nerve endings with the purpose of making extremely pleasurable when stimulated -serving a survival function of helping us reproduce by driving us to seek pleasure- and extremely painful when being hurt (equally helping with survival by guarding us from potential threats/damage). However, your partner is not a vulva or a penis, you are not a vulva or a penis. Whole-body sex stimulates more the senses and helps increase arousal which leads to a higher sense of pleasure.
Goal-oriented sex: We have been sold the idea that the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. Note that I do not discount orgasms as it is obviously an extremely pleasurable experience and have even have many health benefits. But think about a time when you had a really important thing the next morning but couldn’t sleep, does it help if you keep saying “I really need to sleep, I’ll work very hard in falling asleep, I can’t sleep, it’s taking so long, why can’t I sleep? I have to wake up early, so I have to sleep… Still not sleeping.” Would that help you fall asleep? Of course not! It is just the same with having an orgasm, it comes as a byproduct of letting go and you cannot let go if that’s the goal. Practice just connecting to the feel good sensations rather than “getting you there”.
Waiting for desire to have sex: Especially in long-term relationships, when novelty wears off and routine sets in, that spontaneous, out of nowhere desire for your partner typically lowers (sometimes disappears). This is certainly not true for everyone and in my experience not limited to gender or sexual orientation. The idea that of out of the blue, passionate sex, and that only that kind of sex is good sex is one of the most common tropes in romantic novels, movies, TV shows, and porn. Waiting to feel desire to then initiate sex will likely result in little to no sex and in couples with sexual discrepancy, when a partner has more frequent desire to engage in sex than the other, it creates a lot of conflict.
I use metaphors a lot since I feel it helps illustrate examples and relate sex to every day, ordinary activities we can all relate to… Have you ever thought you aren’t hungry until you smell good food and you’re like “Maybe I could eat.” Responsive desire is like that. The right invitation, stimulation of the mind and senses, and the openness to see where it takes you, may lead you to have fantastic sex. In more technical terms, desire does not need to precede arousal. Arousal can be followed by desire, “Oh, that feels nice, keep going”.
Foreplay is what happens so you can have sex: Kissing, touching, sex talk… That’s all part of sex, not just an antecedent to sex. Additionally, a really useful idea when it comes to foreplay is “Foreplay starts at the end of the last orgasm.” I often see couples who have become physically alienated, they stop touching, kissing, making eye contact, and such during their day to day and suddenly only touch when they’re going to have sex. Maintaining a sexual connection, outside of “proper sex”, helps keep sex alive!
"Natural" Lubrication: Assuming that sexual lubrication is a sign of arousal or that it should always be sufficient for comfortable intercourse is a misconception. Lubrication levels can vary due to factors such as hormonal changes, medications, and age. It may indicate physiological (body) arousal and not necessarily subjective (perception) arousal. An vice versa, you may be subjectively aroused and not have lubrication or not enough lubrication for comfortable penetration. Lubrication is important for penetration not only for comfort and pleasure but to minimize the risk of micro-tears or lesions that may lead to painful intercourse and a higher risk of infection.
Pain During Sex: Assuming that pain during sex is normal or inevitable, especially for individuals with vaginas, is incorrect. Pain during sex can be indicative of underlying issues and should be addressed with a healthcare provider. They often involve both physiological and psychological factors and usually the best way to address it is to create a team to work with. Professionals such as a Pelvic Floor Therapist are a great resource, for both males and females. Typically, the more you wait the more complicated the issue becomes. Prevention and early intervention helps prevent the problem to develop further.
Sexual Desire and Aging: A common misconception is that sexual desire diminishes with age. While hormonal changes can influence desire, sexual interest can remain strong for individuals of all ages. Being flexible and adapting to the changes across the lifespan makes it possible to feel satisfied in your sex life. Here are a few tips to keep the spark alive in long-term relationships.
Reasons to have sex: In one of the largest studies where participants where asked for their reasons to have sex, researchers identified 237 cited reasons. The reasons to have sex does not only involved the typical conceptions of reproduction and/or pleasure, but attachment styles, the need to regulate negative emotions, gaining someone’s favor or avoiding harm, and other factors have been associated with sex engagement. I often help couples explore what sex means to them, their relationship with sex throughout their life, and the emotional meaning when they are “denied” of sex with a partner. Furthermore, although the popular view of non-monogamous relationships is to think they are just seeking sex. I have found so many of them are about finding community, connections with others, sex when one is in a relationship with an asexual partner, and an avenue to explore oneself and their identity outside of their relational roles at home.
The selling point that “sex equals love”, that you “need love to have sex”, and ideas as such that tie both together negate the experience of many people, and confuse many others, too. Some people need to feel an emotional connection in order to engage in sex, others are very happy to engage in sex without it… There might be an issue when each participant has a different idea of what having sex mean and it is different from each other.Sex as certain activities: The standard way to think about sex is to think about penis in vagina. Although that is slowly changing, it may still linger in our heads. What counts as sex and what doesn’t greatly varies depending on who you ask. This becomes even more complicated when it comes to, for example, what counts as an affair. Add the advance of technology and how it influences sexual practices such as sex tech, cybersex, sexting, phone sex… Is it sex if the people aren’t touching each other? Is it sex if you’re just masturbating? Is it sex if you’re just watching someone on screen? Does it make a difference if that someone is a recorded video or a live interaction? A healthier approach to sex includes widening our conceptualization in what we consider as “actual sex”.
Sexual Sequences and Roles: We all have scripts for interactions, a general idea of what happens first, in the middle, and an end. This is typically conducing to stifling your sex life. It is pretty close to the idea that desire doesn’t necessarily go before arousal. To offer a concrete example, I was very surprised when I learned medications such as Viagra do not guarantee an erection. There’s a lot more involve to it but I’d like to focus just on the fact of taking the pill to have intercourse.
“First an erection, then sex.” One of the greatest turn-on in partnered sex is feeling the other being turned on, but men who are overcome by their worry about getting an erection or their fear of losing it, not only miss their own pleasurable sensations but miss the cues of partner’s arousal that could in turn help them feel more aroused.
Another way this misconception may interfere with those who are experiencing sexual difficulties is the idea that sex ends when the man ejaculates. Using men who are experiencing premature ejaculation as an example, they often become so embarrassed about “coming to fast” (another relative term) that they just disconnect and are done; their partner left in limbo. It is totally OK, use toys, fingers, your mouth… There is so much more you can use than just your penis!
In the general conceptions of binary gender (being either a male or a female), males are relegated to their roles as pursuers and females as gatekeepers. This is problematic in so many ways it cannot be covered in this writing but one of the ways I have seen impacting couples is the exhaustion of males from needing to initiate every sexual interaction (not that I haven’t seen it the other way around!) and from feeling undesired (If I don’t initiate, we wouldn’t have sex at all.). It also leaves females who don’t fit the passive receiver role and who are highly sexual and enjoy their sexuality to the max feeling there may be feeling like there may be something wrong with them and, maybe making it worse, can even suffer from actual social shame (“slut shaming”). On the other hand, the idea that “Men always want sex” is very hurtful as well.
If there was ejaculation, lubrication, or orgasm, it wasn’t rape: There is a huge debate in the legal fields of what constitutes sexual assault, abuse, and rape. Survivors often carry great guilt and confusion because there is a part of them that knows they did not want it, but they “came” so they must have liked it. This is a physiological response to mechanic stimulation and not an indication of pleasure or requests. Although consent is predicated to be a yes/no thing, it is actually a very nuanced, on-going process, and involves every participants’ ability to say no without fearing the consequences. You can learn more about consent here and you can access more sexual assault resources here.
Contraception and STI Protection: Some people believe that contraception methods (like birth control pills) also protect against sexually transmitted diseases (STIs). However, most contraceptives do not offer protection against STIs; separate methods, such as condoms, are needed. It is important to note that having a sexually transmitted infection (STI) is not an indication of personal hygiene, morality, or cleanliness.
Pornography as Education: Relying solely on pornography for sexual education can create unrealistic expectations about sex and body appearance, as porn often depicts scripted and exaggerated scenarios. Pornography can teach you about sex just as much as watching NASCAR can teach you about driving. Not all porn is created equal. A new wave of experts in sexuality, human rights, people in the pornography industry, and other fields are exploring ethical guidelines for erotica and such content. You can read more about that here.
One-Size-Fits-All Approach: Believing that there's a universal "normal" frequency for sexual activity can lead to feelings of inadequacy. People have varied levels of sexual desire, and what's important is communication and mutual satisfaction. As everything, I rather think about the quality of sex (including the connection to yourself and others, if present) than the amount of sex. Averages are relative… The Good Enough Sex model is excellent to explore this.
Sexuality equals sex: Sexuality goes beyond just the physical act of sex. It encompasses a wide range of feelings, attractions, desires, behaviors, relationships, and even self-perception. Even the experience of vitality and connection to our bodies, that sensation of aliveness, can be encompass in this notion of sexuality.
Fluidity of Sexual Orientation: Misconceptions about fixed sexual orientation can ignore the fluid nature of human sexuality. Some individuals may experience shifts in their attractions over time.
Consent and Relationships: A common misconception is that consent is only necessary for new or casual partners. In reality, consent is an ongoing process in all sexual relationships. The status of the relationship (being married, for example) is not an indicator of consent. We do not “owe” sex to anyone. I have a few tips for declining sex with your partner in a kinder way here.
Body-able: For many reasons, of them being lack of media representation, people with differing abilities- cognitive or physical- are relegated as asexual. People with disabilities possess a rich and varied range of emotions, desires, and intimate needs. Although they may experience unique challenges, disability does not define one's worthiness of fulfilling relationships, love, and a satisfying sex life.
Sexuality has a specific age range: We do not suddenly become sexual beings when puberty hits and then expire in our older years… We are sexual beings throughout our life span. Yes, the meanings and ways we approach sexuality certainly change- and our socio-cultural worlds have great impact on this- but we are sexual beings from conception to our deathbed. Sonograms have witnessed and recorded fetuses doing masturbatory motions, countless parents have seen their very young children touching their genitals and in a few years they start playing doctor with their peers. Older kids start having “crushes”, teens fall in love, adults start trying to more actively date and establish intimate relationships (lasting from one-night or “‘till death do us apart”. If you have kids, here are a few general tips to talk about sexual health.
Bodies are born clearly having a penis or a vagina: Intersex is a term used to describe individuals who are born with variations in their sex characteristics that do not fit typical definitions of male or female bodies. These variations can involve chromosomes, hormones, reproductive organs, and/or genitalia. Approximately 1.7 percent of the population have intersex traits.
“Kinky” vs “Normal” or “Vanilla”: There are no universals when it comes to sex. What is considered normal or acceptable in one culture does not apply universally, and that includes subcultural groups (smaller groups within a same culture). “Kinky” and “normal” are relative terms. On that note…
Vanilla is bad sex: One of my favorite educators in the kink/BDSM community once said: “It has to be really good vanilla ice cream for you to eat it alone.”. Having ‘normative’ sex is not a bad thing, unless it is a problem for you, not for anyone else! If you are enjoying yourself, and if partner you’re both enjoying it, all good. Do not let anyone else dictate how your sex is supposed to look like, not even me!
If you have a partner, you shouldn’t masturbate: Being in a relationship does not mean that you own each other, you’re people, not cars. Masturbation is part of a healthy sexuality and it is actually very useful for sexual exploration, stress relief, and to enjoy a sexual experience when a partner doesn’t want any.
Monogamy is the only healthy relationship: There are multiple theories of how ‘pair bonding’ evolved and the raise of monogamy, and marriage, in human societies. The definition of being monogamous has also changed across the last century, as Ester Perel talks in her book The State of Affairs. Just like there is no one-size-fits-all in sex, there is no one-size-fits-all in relationships.
Sex is something you do, not something you talk: You cannot get what you want if you don’t ask for it. That is true for a lot of things in life and certainly true for sex. Talking about sex, with our partners, with our medical providers, therapists, friends, helps us not only share and explore our experience but learn from other people’s experiences in an authentic way.
Searching professional help for sex is a failure: Just like there is no shame in going to a dentist, optometrist, or any other medical professional, there should be no shame in looking for support for our sex live. Professionals in the field of sexuality and related professions are trained and we’re here to help. Whether that is talking about the mechanics of your body or the first time that you masturbated and your mom opened the door…
There are certainly many more misconceptions that I have missed here! Feel free to add some more in the comments or contact me with suggestions. It's important to approach conversations about sex and sexuality with openness, respect, and a commitment to providing accurate information. Addressing these misconceptions can contribute to a healthier and more informed understanding of human sexuality.
What have you learned in your ‘sexual career’ you wish you knew before becoming sexually active? Leave it in the comments!
If you’d like to talk more about any of this and/or how they have impacted how you feel about sex, click here to request a session.