Managing Emotions: 10 Strategies for Emotional Regulation & Resilience
In the fast-paced world we live in, managing our emotions is essential for maintaining overall well-being. Emotional regulation strategies play a crucial role in helping us navigate the ups and downs of life. Do you find yourself often reacting disproportionately to the current situation? Inability to effectively regulate our stress and emotions may lead to wounding relationships and burnout. Here are a variety of effective techniques to enhance emotional regulation and build resilience:
1. Vagus Nerve Stimulation: Exercise Your "Break" Regularly
The vagus nerve is the tenth cranial nerve that runs from the brainstem to various organs, including the heart, lungs, and digestive tract. It plays a crucial role in regulating involuntary bodily functions, such as heart rate, digestion, and respiratory rate. The vagus nerve is a key component of the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and counteracting the "fight or flight" response. Stimulating the vagus nerve has been associated with various health benefits, including stress reduction and improved overall well-being.
It is a key player in the body's relaxation response and can be stimulated through various activities. Incorporating practices like singing, slow breathing (exhaling longer than inhaling), humming, exposure to cold water, and self-touch (self-soothing) into your routine can contribute to a calmer state of mind. Nurturing your relationships with those who make you feel safe is also a great way to foster your vagal flexibility. Having meaningful connections- whether with an intimate partner, friend, or professional- can help you in your times of need. Reaching out when you need support is not an indication of neediness or weakness, we’re social beings and thrive when we are able to co-regulate! Proximity, especially physical contact, with people who we love and trust reduces stress-related hormones (such as cortisol) and pain and increases good-feeling hormones and neurotransmitters (such as oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin).
Check out this self-regulation video by Dr. Peter Levine -renowned psychologist in the field of trauma and healing- for a demonstration of self-touch techniques to calm down the nervous system: link to video.
2. Time Ins. Learn to take a break.
The first thing I stress with my couples who are struggling with high conflict is learning how and when to take a break. On of my favorite assignments is to set up a phone alarm to remind yourself to take at least 1 minute to just take a few deep, slow breaths and check in with yourself. See if you need something and tend to it or, if you’re all good, carry on. It is best to practice this outside of ‘high stakes’ moments. Practicing regularly helps build the habit so it is easier and more accessible to do this when you need it the most.
A pause can give you the space you need to make a different choice than your automatic “go to”. However, if you’re taking a break from conflict, take a real break. It’s not a chance for you to collect all your arguments and reasons why you’re right! A true brake may be just taking breaths and try to let those thoughts go for a minute or go on and do something completely different and separated from the conflict (Gottman’s research had people looking at magazines). If you’re looking to better manage conflict in a relationship, it might be useful to have a prior agreement on how the breaks will look like and when you’ll return to the discussion.
3. Name it to tame it
Try to be mindful of sudden changes in your thoughts and body, this often reflects a shit in your state of mind. Inquire about what’s going on with curiosity. Name your state. You might want to name an emotion, mood, or make up your own names to identify the states of mind you most frequently experience. This can help create a more integrated experience by linking different parts of the brain. Here’s more on that: link to video. Emotions are automatic reactions, meant for self-preservation and, in the case of the care-giving system, to protect those we consider part of our “in group”. While you are not in charge of which emotions become activated, you can gain more power over your behavioral responses. Practicing taking a break and naming your emotions can help you create more choices.
4. Feel Your Feelings, Know They Will Pass
Allow yourself to experience emotions without judgment. Be mindful of the time spent dwelling on them and recognize that feelings, no matter how intense, are transient. Practice self-compassion during challenging moments. Learn how to best take care of yourself during these periods. However, practice reminding yourself, you cannot control what you feel, but you can gain control over your actions.
5. Grounding, Orienting, and Centering Techniques
Our nervous systems is wired to detect threats and quickly react to keep us safe. Here’s a short visual with a simple explanation about this: link to video. Sometimes, we have big reactions to small things. It is as if at times our autonomic nervous system can’t differentiate a lion from a rude customer and it just gets ready to fight, flight, or feign death… This is life-saving, because it is better to mistake a stick for a snake rather than a snake for a stick! You might scream “Ah!”, realize is a stick, and move on. Or, you might scream “Ah!'“, realize is a stick, and feel unable to keep going (or just feel you want to yell or kick the stick for startling you)… When you feel you’re having a hard time returning to a calm state, these strategies might help:
Grounding: Redirect your attention to the present moment through grounding exercises. Engage your senses by focusing on what you can see, feel, hear, taste, and smell around you. If possible, put your feet on the ground and feel your connection to it. You may try a few fidget toys and if you like them, keep one at hand to help redirect your thoughts during challenging times.
Orienting: In moments of distress, take a moment to orient yourself to your surroundings. Look around, remind yourself of where you are. You could also try to find a place where you can see your reflection. This last one might be especially useful if the root of your reactions are rooted in adaptation to adverse childhood experiences.
Centering: Connect with your center. You may try looking down to acknowledge your body's position, can provide a quick anchor. Other things you can play with are: contract and release your abdominal muscles, place a hand in your belly and another in your chest as you slowly breath in and out (don’t try making drastic changes in your breath, take it slow)… I find it helpful to sense the anxiety or high energy moving in my chest, take a breath and feel as though I am blowing it away in my out breath. Taking three quick inhales and one slow exhale has helped as well.
6. Mood Wonders and Pleasure/Relaxation Menu
Take a loot at Mood Meter’s four quadrant chart. Reflect on these moods and memories associated with specific feelings. Which do you experience more often? Which do you wish you were experiencing more of? How do you know when you’re feeling that way? How are you different when you’re in that mood?
Illustration credit: Mood Meter App
7. Pleasure and Relaxation Menu
Perhaps one of the most important skills we need, learn how to take care of yourself! Sometimes it is just about covering the basics (food, water, etcetera) but also, what makes you feel good? What helps you process a difficult day? How do you have fun? How do you relax or manage stress? How do you feel about these coping mechanisms? You may also want to refer to this short blog about The Eight Core Pleasures.
8. Understand your Window of Tolerance
The "window of tolerance" refers to an optimal range of arousal where an individual can effectively cope with stressors and engage in daily activities without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Sometimes, that window shortens (like when you’re hungry or sleep deprived). Good company and being well-rested may expand your window of tolerance. Understanding where you’re at and what moves you out of these window if crucial for emotional regulation. Ultimately, all things listed in this article are tools to help you expand your Window of Tolerance.
Illustration credit: Mind My Peelings
9. Polyvagal Chart
In short, Polyvagal Theory is a neurobiological framework that explains the complex interplay between the autonomic nervous system and social behavior. Its developer, Dr. Stephen Porges, describes it as ‘a science of safety’. A Polyvagal Chart is a visual representation of the three vagal pathways and how you think they manifest in your life. It maps the states of the nervous system and correlates to physiological and behavioral responses in various situations. Its main components- as I create it with my clients- is understanding what the state feels like (sensations), what it may remind you of, and how you perceive yourself, others, and the world in each state. You’ll learn to identify your cues of threat and safety. The most useful information coming from here is to understand what moves you in and out of these states. You can move in and out of states by yourself (self-regulation) or others (co-regulation).
Illustration credit: Creative Clinical Psychologist, Juliet Young
10. ABCDE of Meaning: Exploring Your Perceptions
We’re meaning-making creatures. Dr. Dan Siegel talks about the ABCDE’s of meaning (this is an excerpt from this book “Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence”):
Associations: Sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts that emerge in tandem with each other, both spatially and temporally in the brain. This shapes what arises as we SIFT through the mind (an acronym within a mnemonic!) and reflect on what has meaning for us.
Beliefs: Our mental modes and perspectives on the world that shape what we see, as in “You need to believe it to see it.”
Cognitions: The flow of associated information processing as it unfolds in cascades of concepts and categories with their avalanches of facts, ideas, and patterns of perceiving, thinking, and reasoning that shape our view of reality and our ways of problem solving.
Developmental period: The time in our life in which events have occurred, such as our early childhood, adolescence, or young adulthood, that shape the top-down influences happening in the moment.
Emotions: Feelings arising from the body, shaped by relationships, and spread through the head-brain, instantiating significance and value in our lives, and often involving a shift in our state of integration in any given moment, whether subtle or intense.
Conclusion:
Stress is not a bad word, you need it to get things done. Emotions are neither good or bad, they are necessary for survival! Your emotional and behavioral patterns are likely adaptations to your life’s story and your meaning-making processes. You cannot change the past, but you can understand how it influences your perceptions and responses in the present and learn how to modulate them. Emotional regulation is a skill that can be honed with practice. Incorporating these strategies into your daily routine can foster a more resilient and balanced emotional state, leading to a happier and healthier life.
If you’d like personalized support exploring these strategies or any of the topics above, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
