11 Antidotes to Defensiveness in a Relationship
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading experts in relationship dynamics, identified defensiveness as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that can erode relationships. Defensiveness involves a response to a perceived attack or criticism, often in an attempt to protect oneself from blame or to shift responsibility. To counteract defensiveness in a relationship, consider the following strategies:
Recognize Defensiveness: Awareness is the first step to change. Acknowledge when you're feeling defensive and understand that this reaction may hinder effective communication.
Take a Break if Necessary: If you feel overwhelmed or defensive during a conversation, it's okay to request a break to collect your thoughts and emotions. Choose a specific time to continue the discussion when you're calmer.
Practice Active Listening: Focus on understanding your partner's perspective before reacting. Show empathy, validate their feelings, and demonstrate that you value their opinions.
Accept Responsibility: Be willing to accept responsibility for your actions or contributions to the issue at hand. Taking ownership demonstrates maturity and a commitment to resolving the issue.
Use "I" Statements: Frame your responses using "I" statements to express your feelings, needs, and concerns without blaming or attacking your partner. For example, say, "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You always..."
Express Vulnerability: Share your vulnerabilities and fears openly with your partner. By being vulnerable, you can create a safe space for honest communication and understanding.
Focus on Solutions, Not Blame: Shift the conversation towards finding solutions rather than assigning blame. Collaborate with your partner to identify mutually beneficial ways to address the issue.
Seek Clarification: Ask for clarification if you don't understand something your partner has said. Misinterpretations can often contribute to defensiveness.
Practice Self-Reflection: Reflect on your triggers and reactions that lead to defensiveness. Understand the patterns and work on improving your responses in similar situations.
Apologize and Forgive: If you've made a mistake, apologize sincerely. Similarly, be open to forgiving your partner when they acknowledge their actions and apologize. Forgiveness and understanding can help mend the relationship.
Couples Counseling: Consider couples counseling or couples therapy to work through defensiveness and other communication challenges. A skilled counselor can guide you in developing healthier communication patterns.
These strategies, you can break the cycle of defensiveness and create a more open, honest, and empathetic communication dynamic in your relationship. When dealing with conflict that gets out of control, I first ask my couples to cover their basic needs… As adults and with busy lives, it may be sometimes hard to take care of ourselves in a consistent way. Make sure you’re eating enough, drink plenty of water, and get good quality sleep. That's the first step towards addressing conflict! Try to practice mindsight’s lens: objectivity, observation, and openness. Look for how you’re contributing to your relationship patterns instead of solely pointing fingers at your partner.
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*Please note that these suggestions are not directed to relationships where intimate partner violence is taking place.*
