In every intimate relationship, couples constantly send and receive bids for connection. These bids are subtle or explicit attempts to connect emotionally, seek validation, or share experiences with our partners. Recognizing and responding to these bids play a pivotal role in fostering emotional intimacy and building a strong and resilient bond. In this article, we will explore the concept of bids for connection, the significance of responding positively, and practical guidance on strengthening emotional intimacy in your relationship. In Logan Ury’s words : “Healthy couples constantly make and accept bids to connect.”

What are Bids for Connection?

Bids for connection are the emotional cues, gestures, or statements that partners use to seek attention, support, or understanding. These bids can be as simple as a smile, a gentle touch, or a question about each other's day. They are the building blocks of emotional intimacy, signaling a desire for closeness and responsiveness.

Turning Towards, Turning Away, and Ignoring in Relationship Communication

In the context of relationships, turning towards, turning away, and ignoring are different responses to bids for connection made by one partner to the other. These responses play a significant role in shaping the emotional intimacy and overall health of the relationship. These practices represent the patterned interaction of the couple and are key to relational well-being: see more here.

Bids for connection come in various forms, including verbal, non-verbal, and physical expressions. Verbal bids may involve sharing thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Non-verbal bids include gestures, facial expressions, or eye contact seeking validation or reassurance. Physical bids can be as simple as reaching out for a hug or holding hands.

Turning Towards:

Turning towards refers to responding positively and attentively to your partner's bids for connection. When your partner makes an emotional cue, shares a thought, or seeks attention, turning towards involves being present, engaged, and receptive to their needs. Responding with interest, empathy, and affection shows that you value and prioritize your partner's emotional well-being. Turning towards is an essential aspect of building emotional intimacy and trust in a relationship.

Example: Your partner tells you about a challenging day at work, and you respond with understanding, offering comfort and support.

Turning Away:

Turning away is the opposite of turning towards. When your partner makes a bid for connection, turning away involves responding in a dismissive or indifferent manner. This response can create emotional distance and hurt feelings, as it communicates a lack of interest or concern for your partner's emotional needs. Turning away may be unintentional or a result of distractions, but repeated instances can harm the emotional bond in the relationship.

Example: Your partner shares exciting news, and you respond with a distracted "That's nice" while focusing on your phone or something else.

Turning Against:

This response is more negative than turning away. Here, the partner may respond to the bid with hostility or a negative attitude, effectively pushing the other person away. For example, if one partner says, "Hey, how was your day?" and the other responds angrily, "Why do you always bother me with these questions? Can't you see I'm busy?" it's considered turning against.

The Impact on Relationships:

The way partners respond to bids for connection shapes the emotional climate of the relationship. Gottman's research has shown that couples who consistently turn toward each other's bids and respond positively tend to have healthier and more satisfying relationships. Turning towards fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and a sense of security, as partners feel heard, understood, and valued. On the other hand, consistently turning away or turning against bids can lead to disconnection and relationship problems. It erodes trust and breed resentment, as partners feel dismissed and unimportant.

Repairing Missed Bids:

It's essential to recognize that no one is perfect in responding to bids all the time. Sometimes, due to stress, distractions, or misunderstandings, partners may miss bids. The key is to practice repair attempts—acknowledging the missed bid, apologizing, and expressing a commitment to be more attentive in the future. Repair attempts show that you care about your partner's feelings and are willing to work on fostering emotional connection.

Turning Toward Each Other

In a healthy and thriving relationship, turning towards bids for connection is essential for building emotional intimacy and a strong emotional bond. By responding with attentiveness, empathy, and affection, partners can nurture trust, support, and love. Avoiding turning away or ignoring bids can create a foundation for a fulfilling and lasting relationship, characterized by open communication and emotional safety. Remember that being responsive and attuned to each other's needs is a continuous journey of connection, understanding, and growth. Here are five ways to practice turning towards each other:

Active Listening and Empathy: Responding positively to bids involves active listening and empathy. When your partner makes a bid, be fully present and attuned to their emotions and needs. Demonstrate empathy by validating their feelings and showing understanding. Active listening fosters emotional safety, making your partner feel heard and valued.

Small Things Often: Small acts of kindness and attentiveness can have a significant impact on building emotional connection.

Love Maps: Knowing your partner, their likes and dislikes, their stories, what makes them feel well and loved, what is going on with them at the moment… Get to know your partner.

Nurturing Daily Rituals of Connection: Establishing daily rituals of connection enhances emotional intimacy. Create meaningful moments like sharing meals, walking together, or setting aside time for conversation without distractions. These rituals strengthen the emotional bond and foster a sense of togetherness.

Repairing Missed Bids: Sometimes, partners may miss bids due to distractions or misunderstandings. Repairing missed bids involves acknowledging and apologizing for not responding and expressing a willingness to be more attentive in the future. Repair attempts rebuild emotional connection and trust.

Bids for connection are the essential threads that weave the fabric of emotional intimacy in relationships. By recognizing and positively responding to these bids, couples can nurture a strong and resilient bond. Practice active listening, empathy, and turning towards each other to foster emotional safety and trust. Remember that emotional intimacy is a continuous journey of connection and support, where small gestures of love and understanding hold the power to deepen your relationship and create a lasting sense of closeness.

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