Understanding the Phases of Love: Insights from Dr. Julie Gottman and Dr. John Gottman
“Wise men say ‘Only fools rush in’ but I can’t help falling in love with you.”
Dr. Julie Gottman and Dr. John Gottman are esteemed psychotherapists and researchers in the field of marital therapy. Through their extensive research and therapeutic work, they have developed a comprehensive model that explores how couples navigate the journey of love throughout a lifetime.
Phase 1: Falling in Love - Embrace the Excitement
Explore the exhilarating phase of falling in love, scientifically referred to as "Limerence." This stage is marked by physical sensations, intense emotions, and the irresistible urge to constantly think about your partner. Hormones and neurotransmitters play a significant role in this phase, creating a blend of affection, excitement, and sexual desire. While it fosters the creation of a deep bond, it can also temporarily impair judgment. Understanding this initial heightened positive state can shed light on why early red flags may go unnoticed. As the relationship progresses, this intense state gradually stabilizes.
Phase 2: Building Trust - Cultivate Connection and Security
Phase 2 centers around the crucial question: "Can I trust you?" Trust-building becomes the primary focus as couples navigate bids for connection. The Gottmans' research reveals that conflicts often stem from failed attempts to establish trust. It is essential for partners to create a safe haven within the relationship, knowing they can rely on each other's unwavering support. The balance between positive and negative affect, influenced by successful or unsuccessful bids for connection, shapes perceptions and interactions. Conflict is natural as partners spend more time together, share spaces, and merge their lives.
Phase 3: Building Commitment and Loyalty - Nurturing Lasting Love
In this phase, couples have the opportunity to deepen their love or unknowingly nurture resentment. Comparisons to others can pave the way to betrayal if not addressed. Negative comparisons fuel negative emotions when a partner seeks connection but faces rejection or indifference. It's important to note that betrayal extends beyond infidelity, encompassing various forms of emotional disconnection. Focusing on gratitude and appreciation allows couples to foster a deep sense of commitment and loyalty. By avoiding negative comparisons, negotiating conflicts with empathy, and cultivating open communication, partners can grow closer and strengthen their bond.
By incorporating these invaluable insights into your relationship, you can navigate the phases of love with a deeper understanding and appreciation.
Would you like support navigating one of these phase? Contact me to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
