Skill Building: Talking About Sex
“Great sexual relationships become a whole lot easier if we are able to talk to one another about sex.”
As a picky eater, I have developed a few strategies when it comes to eating out. I check the menu, pictures, and read the bad reviews of a restaurant and get there with a plan... Before going to someone’s house, even if we agreed we’d share a meal, I’d probably try to eat something just in case I don’t like what is served. I serve myself a little bit to make sure I am not just throwing away food but try to get enough of something I do like to not insult the host’s hospitality. I am positive we all have our own ‘quirks’ and have developed ways to accommodate the outside world’s challenges and, hopefully, communicate them to others when needed.
However, when it comes to sex, most cultures seem to be pretty scripted and provide guidance for people to learn how to negotiate sexual encounters. It’s so common to see in movies or series a pair that barely know each other but somehow seem to have the ‘skills’ to blow off the rooftop of the other’s pleasure threshold. Whether it is a romantic comedy, pornography, or erotic novel, lovers just magically know what the other likes, dislikes, and what makes them ‘tick’ without ever having to talk about it. If that has always been- and still is- the case for you, I’m happy for you! If you’re like most of us and would like to gain some practical skills on brining up sexual conversations, keep reading!
Some of us realize reality falls short after multiple disappointments. Sometimes we are puzzled as to why we are struggling with either first encounters or in long-term relationships. Our difficulties when it comes to talking about sex are often a result of implicit and explicit learning experiences.
While sensual and sexual images- and jokes- are plastered all over commercials, movies, tv shows, music, etcetera, honest and open sexuality talks are swept under the rug. It seems our thought is "sex is something you do and there’s no reason to bring it up when you aren’t doing it". Furthermore, some are worried about this talks perverting ‘innocent minds’. This often results in limited or inaccurate sexual education; including the failure to provide opportunities to practice and discuss awareness, communication, and negotiation skills when it comes to our sexuality.
All this may result in a felt unease when we need to see ourselves as sexual beings, express our sexuality, and communicate with others about our sexual experience. Unless we are intentional about it, we might carry these patterns of pretending others can read our minds and feel upset, dissatisfied, and sometimes uncared for when our needs and desires are not met. If you stumbled upon this post, you may be seeking ways to practice exploring your needs and/or expressing them with a partner.
Dr. Laurie Mintz, a sex therapist and psychologist, explains her recommendations to go from “Faulty Beliefs to Fantastic Philosophies” in her book Becoming Cliterate. Of the faulty beliefs she mentioned, I think these two faulty beliefs may be the most pervasive when it comes to communicating about sex: mind reading and “not worth it”.
Faulty Belief #1: Mind reading
You might think “I shouldn’t have to say it, my partner should know better.” or “My partner wouldn’t like that, there is no point in sharing my interest”. If you are not used to bringing up sex out of the bedroom- or wherever you like to have it- it can be quite daunting to share your wants, needs, preferences, curiosities, and fantasies with others.
However, how much harder is it to read someone else’s mind? How long are you willing to wait until they can read yours? Not sharing what you want makes it less likely that you’ll get it.
Faulty Belief #2: Not worth bringing it up
In long-term relationships, if we were pointing out everything we didn’t like, we, our partners, and our relationships will probably implode. We are bound to encounter difficulties in every relationship, especially if cohabitating. We all have our ways, and sometimes they clash with others’ ways of doing things. Talking about it as well as figuring out what is really important and where you can be more flexible, is an essential skill in conflict management.
Nonetheless, sometimes things do really bother us on a deep level and cause distress, but we avoid discussing them to avoid conflict. I love Dr. Mintz’s analogy of the invisible backpack and the pebbles… Each upsetting thing becomes a pebble in our backpack. The backpack starts getting heavier (we start getting tired, cranky, and irritable), resent starts growing, until getting to the point of having to decide what we’ll do with them…
In an attempt to lighten our load, we dump it out, getting rid of the whole relationship or staying together unhappy and living parallel but separate lives, or take out the pebbles and start throwing them at each other. Grievances outside of the bedroom can affect your sex together. If you don’t speak up when you don’t like something during sex (or faking it), it is likely to keep happening and be one more pebble in your backpack.
Communication Skills for Sex Talks
1. Permission to explore and express
One of my favorite quotes about sexuality is “All sex is good sex as long as it is consensual and pleasurable." Pleasure is your birthright. Your boundaries should always be honored (and is your responsibility to respect others’ boundaries). Remember to give the same openness and acceptance you want to receive: “Don’t yuck someone’s yum.” It is difficult to share if you are afraid of being judged.
2. Don’t ask questions that aren’t questions
While some enjoy puzzles, most people don’t want their communication to be one. Be straightforward in what you want, share what appeals to you about it, and how the other person can make the experience better for you. Additionally, state your boundaries clearly. If you are exploring an area and aren’t sure yet, let them know.
3. Use “I” statements
Consider the differences between “You never go down on me” versus “I would really like you to go down on me”. Your partner(s) is more likely to be willing to participate, and even to get aroused, by the “I” statement (what you want/need) versus the “you” statement that sounds more like reproaching and criticism (which is likely to be met with defensiveness).
4. Communicate about communication (metacommunication)
It can be a form of self-disclosure, “I feel uncomfortable sharing this, but I’d like to try…”. Also, you can note observations if you notice a discrepancy between your partner’s words and their body language: “You said you liked it, but your face says otherwise, could you share how you feel about…”
5. Time-sensitive communication
Research has shown that couples that bring up complaints have happier marriages in the long term. Yet, bringing up a big topic on the way to a friend’s house or while at the table with the in-laws is not really a good time. Likewise, talking your disappointments with sexual issues or concerns when trying to ‘get it on’ may also be bad timing.
On the other hand, do not let too much time pass by. Make time and, preferably, create a setting with privacy and no interruptions. The more you wait, the more resentment or awkwardness may grow.
6. Be honest
There is little sense in communicating if you aren’t being real, right? I invite you to consider body language, not just words. As Lonnie Barbach says: “By faking, you are training your partner to do precisely what doesn’t work for you.”
7. Sexy Sex Talks
Let’s reframe the idea that good sex equals spontaneous, out-of-the-blue, passion that overcame you, sex. In real life, talking, planning, and sometimes scheduling a time to be together can be a gateway to great sex. Sharing with your partner(s) what you like and want doesn’t have to sound like you are ordering food in a drive-through or telling them a to-do list of things to fix. It can be provocative and sexy too! It can build expectancy and desire as you imagine the encounter…
8. Don’t stop at telling, show them
Showing your partner what you like is the best way for them to learn what works for you. One way to do this is masturbating in front of your partner or moving their hands on the areas you like to be touched (and showing the motions and amount of pressure you like).
9. Real-time Feedback
Talk, make sounds... find a way to communicate when you are liking something or what you want (as well as if you need a break, need to go slower, discover you aren’t liking something, or need a pillow to feel more comfortable).
10. After Sex talks
Whether it is a one-time encounter, play partner, friend with benefits, or a long-term relationship, you can process an encounter when it is done. What worked, what didn’t, feelings that came up, and maybe how it can be better next time. It is good to have in mind that sex isn't mind-blowing every single time (I love the Good Enough Sex guideline) and sometimes one partner may enjoy it more than another, than can be OK, too.
BONUS
Sex education, erotica, pornography (recognizing that it is adult entertainment), sex shops, movies, counseling, and coaching, can all help in learning more about your bodies and the intricacies of sexuality, sex, and relationships. This can help you explore others’ experiences, and your own, try new things, and most importantly bring play and creativity into your sexuality.
Imagine that! One of the keys to creating a more pleasurable, satisfying, and fulfilling sex life is communication.
Need help communicating about sex? Contact me to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
