A portrait of “great sex”
A study published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality interviewed 64 people, 44 of them claimed to have experienced “great sex” and the rest were sex therapists. Researchers focused on the participants’ subjective experience, aiming to uncover the underlying structures and patterns inherent in those experiences. They found eight major components: being present, connection, deep sexual and erotic intimacy, extraordinary communication, interpersonal risk-taking and exploration, authenticity, vulnerability, and transcendence.
Being present, focused and embodied
“There’s an intense focus on what’s happening right here, right now that just excludes everything else.”
Being fully and completely present during sexual experiences was the component of great sex articulated first, foremost, and most frequently by participants. Feeling completely alive with strong focus and being "totally absorbed in the moment" is important for great sexuality. People talked about being fully in their bodies and paying full attention to the sensations they felt moment by moment.
Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch
An “enormous level of synchronicity” .
A strong bond with a sexual partner, whether it's a short encounter or a relationship that spans many years. This deep connection stands out from other aspects of intimate and possibly longer-term relationships, as we'll discuss later. Many participants believed that the strength of the connection between partners was one of the most crucial elements, no matter how long they had been together. One woman described great sex as having a moment, "like the snap of the fingers, the length of a heartbeat, a breath where I can't tell where I stop and they start." Participants often used words borrowed from physics, like "energy," "electricity," "alignment," or "conductivity," to explain the sensations and connections experienced between and among partners.
Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
Feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished”.
For many, great sex is inseparable from deep sexual and erotic intimacy in the relationship. Participants emphasized the importance of mutual respect, care, acceptance, and admiration. Caring deeply for one's partner was a key aspect, with some stating that it's a prerequisite for great sex. Trust was universally seen as essential, with participants describing it as the foundation for a sexual relationship where partners take care of each other. Many also spoke of a lasting sense of security within the relationship.
Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
Being “able to listen, to respond, to organize information, to recognize, what, when, even if you’re not told, that one kind of touch elicits a certain response in your partner and another does not” is crucial.
Great sex, according to participants, requires extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. They emphasize complete sharing, both verbally and non-verbally, before, during, and after sexual encounters. Negotiation skills from the SM community are valued, and the ability to communicate non-verbally, especially through touch, is crucial. Participants stress the importance of both verbal and non-verbal communication, taking responsibility for self-knowledge. Heightened empathy is seen as crucial for understanding and responding to a partner's needs, creating a shared, common experience. Some even view talking itself as a form of sex, with "speaking erotically" and "taking risks verbally" enhancing the encounter.
Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
“Being able to be selfish, impulsive, free of cares, unguarded, unplanned, in the moment, emotionally available, emotionally uncontrolled.”
Being genuinely oneself was crucial for great sex. Participants valued the freedom to be honest and transparent with their partners. The prospect of revealing themselves in an atmosphere of trust was seen as exquisite. Some found the act of disclosure during sex to be liberating. Participants cherished the freedom to be emotionally vulnerable, emphasizing the emotional power of authenticity. Rejecting constricting beliefs allowed them to be more true to themselves.
Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
“The trust, the intimacy, the freedom to be yourself with [your partners] that you have in the bedroom or the dungeon carries into the rest of your life.”
Extraordinary sexual experiences for many involve moments of transcendence and personal transformation, marked by bliss, peace, awe, and ecstasy. Participants describe it as a meditative "high," a sense of floating in a universe of light, and an experience outside of time. They often use religious language, expressing being in the presence of God or having a revelatory epiphany. Many highlight the transformative and healing qualities of great sex, believing it can elevate individuals and extend trust and intimacy into other aspects of life—a concept aligned with Maslow's idea of peak experiences.
Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
“When people actually get right down to it, it looks funny as hell! We’re in these contorted, awkward positions grunting like animals, folding ourselves up into a sexual origami that hardly resembles anything as elegant as a crane [laughing]…. It’s absolutely one of the most hilarious things that human beings are capable of.”
Great sex is an adventure and an opportunity for self-discovery and deeper connections. Key components include interpersonal risk-taking, exploration, and a spirit of play and fun. Participants view it as an ongoing "discovery process" and stress the importance of pushing personal boundaries with an "adventuring spirit." Humor and laughter are vital, serving as signs of great sex. Fun is considered fundamental, and participants see great sex as an opportunity for creativity with a light-hearted, playful attitude.
Vulnerability and surrender
“Sex is a leap of faith…It’s saying I’m going to jump off this cliff where I’m going to, you know, be naked and be vulnerable and give myself to somebody else and take them in and I hope I feel good after I do that.”
Participants emphasized the importance of giving oneself, embracing vulnerability, and surrendering to a partner in great sex. This involves being transparent and putting one's entire being in somebody else's hands. The act was compared to jumping off a cliff—a positive leap of faith that includes being naked and vulnerable. Surrendering control and following the partner's lead were described as integral, with some participants finding this quality particularly desirable in their partners.
Two minor components:
Two components were considered "minor" as they were mentioned by only a minority of participants and were not emphasized to the same degree as the major components. While a few participants believed these elements were necessary for great sex, they acknowledged that these minor components alone were not sufficient.
Intense physical sensation and orgasm
An “utter feeling of total satisfaction” characterized by a “slow gradual build in intensity.”
The first minor component is intense pleasure, physical sensation, and orgasm. Participants varied in their views on the role of orgasm in great sex, with many believing it's not necessary but commonly experienced.
Lust, desire, chemistry, attraction
“If I go another minute without my hands on you, I shall simply cease to be.”
The other minor component is the role of lust, desire, chemistry, and attraction in great sex. Some participants identified the desire, attraction, and strong mutual lust or chemistry within the relationship as common elements across their greatest experiences.
Noteworthy…
The major components of optimal sexuality appeared to be nearly universal among participants with diverse backgrounds, sexual orientations, and relationship histories. Despite significant differences in sexual orientation, age, relationship status, physical ability, and sexual functioning, the participants' conceptualizations of great sex were remarkably similar. This finding suggests that there may be various paths to experiencing great sex, but the actual experience can be remarkably similar across individuals.
Reference: Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex.” The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2)Learn more about Sex Counseling in Clinical Sexology!
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
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