What About Fetishes?
“All sex is good sex as long as it is consensual and pleasurable.”
A fetish is a sexual interest or fixation on a specific object, body part, material, or scenario that is not typically associated with sexual arousal. Fetishes can vary widely and encompass a broad range of preferences, such as specific clothing items, body parts, activities, or sensations. People with fetishes may experience sexual arousal or satisfaction through the presence or use of the fetish object, concept, or activity. It's important to note that fetishes are a normal and natural aspect of human sexuality, and many people have them to varying degrees.
Sex-positive research emphasizes an open, nonjudgmental, and respectful approach to exploring and understanding various aspects of human sexuality, including fetishes. It seeks to counter stigmatization and promote healthy discussions about sexual preferences, behaviors, and desires. Sex-positive research on fetishes typically focuses on the following aspects:
Diversity and Variation: There is a wide range of fetishes and paraphilias, and they are a normal part of human sexual diversity. It seeks to understand the different types of fetishes and their prevalence within the population.
Consent and Communication: A key aspect of sex positivity is the emphasis on consensual and communicative sexual activities. Research in this area examines how individuals negotiate their fetishes within their relationships, ensuring that all parties involved are comfortable and enthusiastic participants.
Psychological Aspects: Sex-positive research may explore the psychological underpinnings of fetishes, seeking to understand their origins, development, and potential impact on an individual's well-being. It aims to differentiate between harmless preferences and those that might cause distress or harm.
Stigma and Discrimination: Sex-positive research often addresses the stigma associated with fetishes and works to counter misinformation and discrimination. This may involve promoting education and awareness to reduce judgment and negativity surrounding fetishes.
Intersectionality: Sex-positive research recognizes that sexuality intersects with various aspects of a person's identity, such as gender, race, and culture. It examines how these intersections influence the experience and expression of fetishes.
Historical and Cultural Perspectives: Research may also explore how fetishes have been understood and perceived throughout history and in different cultures. This can provide insights into the societal context and attitudes toward fetishes.
Sex-positive research aims to create a safe and inclusive environment for discussing these topics. However, the field of sexuality research is complex, and there may be differing perspectives within the sex-positive community. Additionally, societal attitudes and knowledge about sexuality, including fetishes, can evolve over time.
Determining whether a fetish is "bad" or problematic can be complex and may depend on several factors, including consent, harm, legality, and personal well-being. Here are some considerations to help you evaluate whether a fetish might be considered problematic:
Consent and Communication: If a fetish involves activities that are non-consensual or involves a lack of communication between involved parties, it can be considered harmful. All participants should be fully aware of and comfortable with the fetish activities and boundaries should be respected.
Harm and Safety: If a fetish poses a risk to physical, emotional, or psychological well-being, it may be considered problematic. Activities that could cause harm, injury, or distress to oneself or others should be approached with caution.
Disruption of Daily Life: If a fetish begins to interfere with an individual's ability to function in their daily life, relationships, or responsibilities, it may be considered problematic. For example, if someone becomes so consumed by their fetish that they neglect other important aspects of their life, it could be a cause for concern.
Unwanted Intrusion: If a fetish is unwanted and causes distress or discomfort, it could be considered problematic. It's important for individuals to have agency over their own bodies and desires.
Legality: If a fetish involves illegal activities, such as non-consensual or exploitative behaviors, it is inherently problematic.
Social and Cultural Context: A fetish that is considered acceptable within a certain social or cultural context may be viewed differently in another. It's important to consider how a fetish aligns with societal norms, values, and ethical standards. In this area, most often it is problematic in the way it makes individuals feel- often causing guilt or shame- because of deviating from the “norm”. It can also become a difficulty for individuals because of the discrimination associated with it, at times being used as a weapon to damage their reputation, jeopardize work, and used in child custody court.
Consent of All Parties: If a fetish involves more than one person, the enthusiastic and informed consent of all parties involved is crucial. If anyone feels coerced, pressured, or uncomfortable, the fetish could be problematic. Consent means all participants are happy to be there and free to leave without fearing the consequences. There is an important distinction between not having consent and using non-consent as part of a scene.
Lack of Control: If a fetish leads to a loss of control or an inability to manage one's actions, it might be considered problematic. Self-awareness and the ability to make rational decisions are important indicators of a healthy relationship with one's desires.
Mental Health: If a fetish is accompanied by distress, anxiety, guilt, shame, or other negative emotions, it may be indicative of a problematic relationship with that fetish. At times, it is just a matter of being able to own it, discuss with others, and dispel unnecessary shame associated with it. Giving yourself permission to experience pleasure, remembering that “All sex is good sex as long as it is consensual and pleasurable.”
It's important to approach these discussions with sensitivity and without judgment. People have diverse sexual interests and preferences, and a sex-positive and nonjudgmental attitude can help create a safer and more open environment for discussing these topics.
If you are unsure about whether their fetish is problematic, want to explore it further, or want to practice how to communicate it in your relationships, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
