Exploring Consent: Tea, FRIES, Neurodivergence, and Trauma
“Consent is everyone is glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences. Plus, there is no unwanted pain.”
Dr. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and author, defines consent defines consent as an ongoing process. It is more than “yes” or “no”. Consent involves the overall context of the situation. For example, if someone is feeling pressured or coerced, they may not be able to give truly informed consent. It means that all partners are willing and enthusiastic participants and are free to leave without fearing consequences. Dr. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of communication, respect, and bodily autonomy.
Here are some additional things to keep in mind about consent:
Consent is not about following a script. There is no one right way to ask for or give consent. The most important thing is to be clear and honest about your wishes.
Consent can be revoked at any time. If you change your mind about wanting to have sex, you have the right to say no. Your partner should respect your decision.
Consent is not about being perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you accidentally do something that your partner doesn't like, apologize and stop. Don't try to justify your actions or pressure your partner to continue.
Consent is about respect. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status. If you're not sure if someone is consenting, it's always better to err on the side of caution and ask.
The metaphor of tea as consent is a simple way to explain the concept of consent. It compares making tea to initiating sexual activity. Just like you wouldn't make tea for someone without asking them if they want it, you shouldn't initiate sexual activity with someone without asking them for consent. It also emphasizes the importance of communication and consent being ongoing. Just like you would check in with someone to see if they still want tea after you've made it, you should check in with your partner throughout a sexual encounter to make sure they are still comfortable and enthusiastic.
Here are some of the key points of the tea metaphor:
Consent is about asking someone if they want to do something, and respecting their answer.
Consent can be revoked at any time.
Consent is not about following a script. There is no one right way to ask for or give consent. The most important thing is to be clear and honest about your wishes.
Consent is important because it's about respecting someone's bodily autonomy.
Everyone has the right to decide what happens to their own body.
If you're not sure if someone is consenting, it's always better to err on the side of caution and ask.
The tea metaphor is a helpful tool for explaining consent in a way that is easy to understand. It can be used to start conversations about consent with people of all ages. If you're looking for a way to talk about consent with someone, the tea metaphor is a great place to start. Here’s a short video about it: Tea Consent.
The FRIES guideline for consent was developed by the Sexual Assault Prevention & Response Office (SAPO) at the University of California, Santa Barbara. The acronym was created to be easy to remember and to help people understand the key elements of consent. It is based on the concept of affirmative consent, which means that consent must be clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing. Affirmative consent means that both partners must actively agree to each new level of sexual activity. It does not mean that someone must say "yes" in order to consent. Silence or lack of resistance does not mean consent. It is a helpful tool for understanding and practicing affirmative consent.
Here are some examples of how the FRIES guideline can be applied in real-world situations:
Freely given: If someone is feeling pressured or coerced into having sex, they are not giving their consent freely. It is important to create a safe and comfortable space where people feel free to say no.
Reversible: Consent can be revoked at any time, even if it has already been given. It is important to respect someone's wishes if they change their mind about having sex.
Informed: Consent should be based on accurate information about the activity in question. This includes information about the risks and benefits of the activity, as well as the potential consequences of not consenting.
Enthusiastic: Consent should be enthusiastic, not grudging or reluctant. If someone is not enthusiastic about having sex, it is important to stop and ask them if they are okay.
Specific: Consent should be specific to the activity in question. For example, if someone consents to kissing, that does not mean they consent to sexual intercourse. It is important to get clear and specific consent for each activity.
The FRIES guideline is a simple but effective way to remember the key elements of consent. By following the FRIES guideline, you can help to ensure that your sexual encounters are safe, respectful, and consensual. Here’s a video about the FRIES guideline: What is consent?.
There are many important considerations when it comes to affirmative consent with neurodivergent and diverse populations. Some of these considerations include:
Be aware of the person's communication style and needs. Some people with neurodivergent conditions may communicate differently than others. For example, they may not be able to speak or may have difficulty understanding verbal cues. It is important to be patient and understanding, and to use clear and concise language when communicating with someone who is neurodivergent.
Be mindful of the person's sensory needs. Some people with neurodivergent conditions may be sensitive to certain noises, smells, or textures. It is important to be respectful of these needs and to create a safe and comfortable environment for the person.
Be respectful of the person's boundaries. Some people with neurodivergent conditions may have difficulty setting boundaries or saying no. It is important to be respectful of their boundaries and to not pressure them into doing anything they are not comfortable with.
Use affirmative consent language. Affirmative consent means that both partners must actively agree to each new level of sexual activity. This means that the person must say "yes" or give some other clear indication of consent. It is important to use affirmative consent language with all partners, but it is especially important with neurodivergent partners.
Be aware of the power dynamics in the situation. People with neurodivergent conditions may be more vulnerable to sexual assault or abuse. It is important to be aware of the power dynamics in the situation and to take steps to ensure that the person is not being coerced or pressured into anything.
Educate yourself about neurodiversity and sexual consent. There are many resources available to help you learn more about neurodiversity and sexual consent. By educating yourself, you can be a better advocate for neurodivergent people and help to create a more inclusive and safe environment for everyone.
Trauma considerations are important to keep in mind when talking about consent, especially with people who have experienced sexual trauma. These considerations include:
Be aware of the person's triggers. Triggers are events or situations that can cause someone to relive or reexperience the trauma they have experienced. It is important to be aware of the person's triggers and to avoid doing or saying anything that could trigger them.
Be patient and understanding. People who have experienced sexual trauma may need more time and support to feel comfortable talking about sex and consent. It is important to be patient and understanding, and to not pressure them into talking about anything they are not ready to talk about.
Use clear and concise language. People who have experienced sexual trauma may have difficulty understanding or processing complex or abstract language. It is important to use clear and concise language when talking to them about consent.
Be respectful of the person's boundaries. People who have experienced sexual trauma may have difficulty setting boundaries or saying no. It is important to be respectful of their boundaries and to not pressure them into doing anything they are not comfortable with.
Encourage the person to seek professional help. If the person has experienced sexual trauma, it is important to encourage them to seek professional help. A therapist can help them to process the trauma and to develop healthy coping mechanisms.
It is important to be flexible and willing to adjust your approach based on the individual person's needs. By being mindful of these considerations, you can help to ensure that all people, regardless of their neurodivergent status, trauma history, or other diversity factors, have the opportunity to experience safe, respectful, and consensual sexual relationships. By being mindful of these considerations, you can help to create a safe and respectful space for everyone to explore their sexuality. If you’d like to talk to someone about this, click here to request a session.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, there are resources available to help. You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 or visit their website at The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): https://www.rainn.org.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
