Building Secure Attachment: Five Essential Interactions
“Attachment is not just a connection between two people; it is a deep bond that shapes our brains, influences our behavior, and helps us navigate the world. Secure attachment is about feeling seen, heard, and valued for who we are.”
In practical terms, attachment style plays a significant role in our conceptions and ways of relating with ourselves and the world. Rather than being strict "either/or" categories, attachment style is now seen as a spectrum. Attachment styles is crucial as they can change over time, vary in different relationships, and depend on individual experiences.
Research has demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment history possess a more coherent sense of self, exhibit effective communication and identification of needs, and demonstrate adaptability in coping with change. Secure attachments, as described by Bowlby, provide a safe haven from which we can explore the world, knowing we can return when needed. In contrast, those with insecure attachment histories may struggle with maintaining a healthy sense of self and approach relationships and situations in anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent ways.
The primary relationships we form during early life significantly influence our brain and mind, creating a blueprint for future relationships throughout our lifespan. This raises the question: How can we foster a secure attachment? According to Dr. John Gottman, it involves striving for a "good enough" attachment, acknowledging that perfect fulfillment of another's needs is unattainable due to the realities of life's demands and occasional disconnections.
Creating a secure attachment involves responsive, attuned, and nurturing caregiving. Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Developing Mind, identifies five essential interactions for establishing secure attachment:
Collaborative Communication: This encompasses non-verbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, and bodily gestures. Establishing resonance and emotional attunement supports the child's social, emotional, and cognitive development, fostering a coherent sense of self.
Reflective Dialogue: Caregivers verbally share their understanding of the child's internal experience, helping them make sense of their emotions and thoughts. This deepens the connection and self-awareness.
Repairs: Disruptions in relationships are inevitable, but maintaining a secure attachment involves repairing such disruptions. Repairs help children understand and overcome disconnection, restoring attuned communication.
Coherent Narratives: Telling stories together helps children understand their own and others' thoughts and experiences, contributing to a coherent sense of self. Parents' own narratives about their childhood experiences with caregivers influence attachment quality.
Emotional Communication: Sharing and accepting both positive and negative emotions without abandonment is ideal. The parents' meta-emotion philosophy (what they think about emotions), their attitudes and expressions of emotions, significantly shapes the child's relationship with emotions and relationships in general.
In conclusion, understanding attachment styles and nurturing secure attachments are vital for building strong, fulfilling relationships. Secure attachment experiences can contribute to greater resilience, self-awareness, and lasting connections.
If you’d like to discuss more about this, get support through parenting or co-parenting, and explore any other challenges in parenting, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
