Why Are Relationships So Hard and What Can We Do About It?
Good Relationships Are Good For Us
Relationships are a key predictor health, quality of life, and longevity. Good relationships are good for us. There are three neurobiological pathways linking social support to health and longevity. These are the autonomic nervous system, neuroendocrine system, and immune system. Social cues impact the regulation of these systems.
The Stress Buffering Hypothesis
The perception of having social support can lessen the negative impact of stress. Social support is interpreted by the brain as a safety cue. Allowing us to feel more ease, even in difficult situations.
Stressful situations activate the hypothalamic - pituitary - adrenal (HPA) axis, triggering a cascade of events in the body. These changes make more energy available to the system so it can address the stressor. Ideally, once it is resolved, we would return to homeostatic balance.
This drive to maintain homeostasis (balance) plays an important part in social-bonding. It may include motivation to avoid unpleasant sensations as well as seeking pleasure, closeness, and proximity with our attachment figures (“our people” or “our person”). These need for pleasure, closeness, and proximity is expressed through attachment behaviors (actions that increase proximity to our attachment figure).
Attachment behaviors may include: crying, calling for them, looking for their gaze, starting a conversation, seeking touch, etcetera. This process helps restore altered physiological and psychological states. Touch often plays an important role in close relationships.
Affective touch, such as hand-holding, hugs, and skin to skin contact, help create interpersonal synchronization. Our brains become synchronized. The higher the level of this synchronization, the higher the relieve a person feels. We will return to the topic of touch later.
Stress, Rewards, & Sex: Shared Pathways
Feelings of security and support build trust and belief, influencing positive motivation and behavior. Rewarding sexual activities contribute to social attachments and bonding (Esch & Stefano, 2011). While sexual behavior is linked to pleasure, it can also induce physiological stress for both sexes. Various neurotransmitters and hormones, including adrenal steroids, vasopressin, oxytocin, dopamine, endogenous opioids, opiates, and nitric oxide (NO), are released during pleasurable activities. The neurobiological pathways of stress responses and reward mechanisms are interconnected.
Emotional stressors, such as fear and anxiety, impacting NO release, can result in cardiovascular changes, including cardiac arrhythmia. Central nervous system (CNS) processes in the cingulate, amygdalae, and hypothalamic regions, along with their projections into the higher-level cerebral cortex, contribute to altering heart rate under stressful or sexually aroused conditions (Esch & Stefano, 2011). Neurons in the insular cortex, central nucleus of the amygdala, and lateral hypothalamus, crucial for integrating emotional and sensory input, are implicated in the emotional link to cardiovascular phenomena. Changes in cardiac autonomic tone, involving a shift from parasympathetic predominance to sympathetic activation, represent a major pathway through which emotional states impact cardiovascular function and health (Poeppl et al, 2019).
Neurobiological insights on pleasure reveal intricate mechanisms within the brain's reward pathways, crucial for survival and reproduction. Pleasurable experiences activate ancient limbic circuits involving key structures including the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and nucleus accumbens. The circuitous reward pathway- mediated by neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine- includes the medial forebrain bundle (MFB), a significant reward pathway.
Various stimuli- from psychomotor stimulants to natural rewards like food and sex- engage this pathway through molecular actions in structures like the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and amygdala. A diverse array of neurotransmitters, including GABA, glutamate, serotonin, stress hormones, and endorphins, contribute to this complex reward physiology. Neurobiological insights show the interconnection of emotion, memory, belief, expectation, motivation, and reward processing within limbic areas and their integration with the prefrontal cortex (Esch & Stefano, 2011).
Neurochemistry of Social Connection
Compassion is associated with heightened social interconnectedness (Esch & Stefano, 2011). This fundamental human behavior, driven by emotional capacities for shared suffering, ensures the safeguarding of individuals and the survival of the species. Catecholamines such as norepinephrine and dopamine, recognized for their roles in the formation of pair bonds, trigger the release of oxytocin, with observed interactions between oxytocin and dopamine in diverse species, including humans.
In humans, oxytocin has been found to inhibit sympathoadrenal and stress response activities, including the release of adrenal corticoids (Takayanagi & Onaka, 2021). Interestingly, during the limerence phase, individuals exhibit higher cortisol levels compared to others. This phenomenon of love-related hypercortisolemia may serve as a non-specific indicator of changes occurring during the early phase of a relationship, potentially reflecting the somewhat stressful conditions or general arousal associated with initiating social contact. This may potentially impulse individuals to seek proximity maintenance and attach to the other.
The complex interaction between oxytocin and catecholamines may serve to fortify pair bonding, influencing behaviors like arousal and selective attention. From an evolutionary perspective, pleasurable sensations during sexual activities reinforce behavior and thus contribute to the survival of the species. This may be further reinforced by the interaction of developmental hormones and gene expression for oxytocin and vasopressin receptors, thereby impacting social behavior.
Gonadal steroids, such as androgens and estrogen, play a significant role in the neurophysiology of love by regulating the functions of oxytocin and vasopressin. Simultaneously, dopamine, particularly within the mesolimbic system, assumes a pivotal role in motivational processes and the exhilarating aspects of the physiology associated with love. This intricate interplay of hormones and neurotransmitters underscores the multifaceted nature of the neural mechanisms underlying the experience of pair bonding.
Endogenous morphine signaling plays a role in love and pleasure-related phenomena, like attachment behaviors and compassion (Esch & Stefano, 2011). Limbic structures with vasopressinergic or oxytocinergic signaling also contain endogenous morphine, closely linked to the limbic reward concept. The presence of opiate receptor subtypes, like mu3, supports the existence of an endogenous morphinergic signaling system. This system involves morphine and constitutive NO release.
As an example, pathways involving oxytocin originating in the hypothalamus and extending to the ventral tegmental area (VTA) play a crucial role in maternal behavior, along with mesolimbic dopaminergic projections from the VTA (Esch & Stefano, 2011). The link between attachment behaviors and pleasure pathways highlights the correlation between social bonding, reproduction, and survival. Evolutionarily, this connection may have played a role in selecting neurochemical systems associated with stress reduction, autoregulation, and attachment behaviors. All the above explains some of the biological mechanisms through which social interconnection serves a protective role from life stressors and increase well-being.
If Relationships Are Good for Us, Why Are Relationships So Hard?
The initial part of our “pair bonding” (dating or courtship) comes with a cascade of neurotransmitters that makes us want more of each other. We want to see, smell, touch, and share everything with the other person. When we start getting serious, ‘official’, this might change.
Our brains want to be efficient and soon ‘automate’ the other person. That means, I create a representation of you in my mind. I will assume that I know you, you know me, and we understand each other well.
Eventually, this means we do not have to pay as much attention. Our energy resources are free to attend to other things. This is our first mistake, we start being driven by memory and loose the practice of paying full attention to the other.
Creating a Secure Functioning Relationship
Let’s get these three key aspects right from the beginning…
You’ve picked each other.
You’re interdependent and in each other’s care.
You’re both equally responsible for your relationship.
Characteristics of a secure functioning relationship:
Two person psychological system.
Based on true mutuality, fairness, justice, and sensitivity.
Everything we do is good for me and good for you.
We protect each other in public and in private.
We know each other in such a way we’re experts on each other.
Feeling supported and secure builds trust, increasing the probability of positive motivation and behavior.
Secure functioning doesn’t refer to an attachment style. These are behaviors or principles based on true mutuality, fairness, justice, and sensitivity. This is something everyone can do.
Watch: A Couples’ Purpose with Dr. Stan Tatkin
To create secure functioning, you must create agreements and shared principles, vision, and purpose. You might ask yourselves:
Why are we together?
What are we creating together?
What things do we share?
How can we collaborate, even when we don’t feel like doing so?
What is our relationship’s ethics?
What things do we each need the other to agree to be reminded of to stop or do more of?
How do we respond to one another?
How do we talk to one another?
How do we fight or manage conflict?
How do we repair after a fight?
Do I have my partner’s best interest in mind?
Do I believe my partner has my best interest in mind?
How would it look like if we were to make this relationship a priority?
What are things we want to happen in our relationship? What are things we do not want?
How do we say goodbye? How do we reunite?
How and when do we spend time together?
What happens next?
1. Start thinking about your couple bubble.
The Couple Bubble is a boundary that signifies the primacy of the relationship. It is the environment we create together to ensure we both have a felt sense of security and safety.
We’re a survival unit. We survive and thrive together. We also recognize we are both difficult and there will be both inside and outside stressors. Partners need to create a structure, decide what you will and will not do. Make plans for the difficult times.
We maintain collaboration, even during stressful times. When we hurt one another, we apologize, make amends, and repair. For this to work, we need to build a container or structure before hand.
We must learn how to return our autonomic nervous system back to baseline and re-engage with the situation following our pre-established principles. This means both you and I agree to follow our behavior-based principles, not based on how we feel at a certain moment. We maintain the safety and security.
2. Get real about the difficult parts of yourselves.
As we all know, we are all difficult. How honest can you get with your self and your partner about your own contributions to your dynamics? Can you point out areas or quirks that make you difficult to deal with? Are those things you could use some support with?
Recognize that there are many difficulties that comes from our own genetic hardwiring. This is the ancient wisdom that has helped us survive for millennia but sometimes survival comes at a cost. It is better to confuse a stick for a snake; to shoot first and ask questions later.
Our system has automatic safety and threat detection systems that quickly react to its assessment. The problem is, they are so fast acting, they go by memory. We end up confusing our partner for a lion…
Being more aware of how our memories, in this relationship and in our pasts relationships, shape the ways we perceive the present moment. As Dr. Stan Tatkin says, our perception can be like funhouse mirrors. We will return to this later.
3. Learn how to create win-win situations
There is no perfect person. There is no perfect relationship. What makes a relationship work is that we are willing to go all in. We make agreements to maintain that sense of presence and safety, even when our present feelings do not align with them in the moment.
If I need some space, we both agree to allow that but we also agree to come back to it. Everything I do benefits the both of us. Everything you do benefits the both of us. We are in the same boat and have the same things to win and the same things to loose.
We are both fully invested in this partnership. A win is only a win because it is good for both of us. We operate based on secure-functioning principles.
4. Practice Taking Time In
Practice taking time to reflect on your experiences. Take regular breaks throughout your day to breath deeply and check-in with yourself. See if you need something… A snack, stretch, bathroom break. If this is new to you, I suggest setting an alarm (and listening to it!) to remind you to take one or two minutes just to reconnect with your breath.
Try to breath in and out slowly, through your nose. With each inhalation, feel your belly expand and come back to center. Maybe experiment with taking deeper breaths and make your exhalation longer than your inhalation.
Take note of your body’s energy and the areas of tension (if any) in your body. If any sensation, thought, memory, or emotions come up, you may choose to explore them or to let them go. I like to think about them as a train: you may choose to hop in and let it take you somewhere else or you can notice it pass by but stay where you are.
5. Create Intentional Time Together
Find a comfortable sitting position. Facing each other. You may choose to hold hands with your partner or place your hands on your knees.
Take a look at your partner. Scan them from head to toe, from toe to head. Think of this as if you’re trying to paint a picture of them in your mind…
Notice whatever comes up. Any thoughts, feelings, sensations, or memories that come up…
You may choose to look into your partners eyes, find something else on their face, or find another place in their body where you can set your vision and relax the muscles around your eyes. You may also close your eyes if that’s comfortable for you.
Come back to your breath. Make each breath deep but gentle. Track its sensation as air travels along your body.
Do a body scan. Starting from the bottom up, pay attention to each part of your body.
Agree on whether or not you’d like to explore touch during this exercise or if you’d like to pause here.
6. Touch Exploration
After being in a comfortable position and going through a few deep breaths, choose who will be first to give touch. Readjust your position as needed.
Try your best to stay present. The mind likes to wander, that’s what it does best! If you feel your mind wandering, keep brining it back to the ‘here and now’.
Focus on the pressure, temperature, or sensations brough by the partner’s touch. You may agree on what parts are being touch, the person giving the touch may start touching (between those boundaries) following their own curiosity, or you may follow my suggestion: Gentle move your hand from the back of the ears, down through the neck, out through the collarbones, down the shoulder all the way to the hand. When you feel complete, exchange roles.
Return back to a comfortable sited position or lay on your backs. You may choose to stay close together or give each other space. Just take some time to integrate the experience, letting it be as it is (try not to have a conversation with yourself or each other), and return back to taking deep breaths. Scan again your own body, from toes to head. Maybe allowing each exhale to bring some release to any muscle tension.
Whenever you’re ready, turn towards one another, find something to appreciate about your partner, and thank each other for sharing this moment.