"Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Dr. Emily Nagoski

This may be a well known classic by now! It explores the science of female sexuality and provides insights into understanding and improving one's sex life. Dr. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and researcher, delves into the intricacies of female desire, arousal, and pleasure, debunking common myths and misconceptions along the way. The book aims to help readers embrace and understand their own unique sexuality.

Over the past decade, researchers have been diligently striving to develop a female counterpart to Viagra, often referred to as the "pink pill," aiming to enhance women's sexual experiences. However, this book, "Come as You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski, profoundly clarifies that such a pill won't be the ultimate solution. Nonetheless, the extensive research in this area has significantly advanced our understanding of female sexuality in recent years, and this book comprehensively elucidates these findings.

Dr. Nagoski's foundational message is that each woman possesses a distinctive sexual identity, akin to a fingerprint. Women exhibit greater diversity than men in terms of their anatomy, sexual response mechanisms, and how their bodies react to the sexual realm. Hence, comparing one's own experiences to others is unnecessary and misleading, considering this inherent variability among women.

The second crucial takeaway is that sexual experiences are profoundly influenced by the broader context in which they occur. Everyday life intricacies significantly impact a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm. Pioneering research spanning various disciplines underscores that a woman's emotional well-being greatly influences her capacity to forge and sustain a fulfilling sex life. It underscores that the critical aspect in enhancing a woman's sexual satisfaction isn't merely the physical acts or techniques involved, but rather how she emotionally perceives and engages with them.

In essence, factors such as stress levels, emotional state, trust, and body image are not peripheral considerations but central elements in a woman's sexual health and contentment. This book enlightens readers about these factors and provides insights into how to positively influence them. Armed with this understanding, individuals can curate a more gratifying sexual life, leading to deeper pleasure beyond their initial expectations.

I think it may have been missed from the book that context may be as important for men to and men’s desire “styles” may be responsive as well! Especially with the changes over time, as men get older, they may need to rely more on this style of desire and arousal. I do enjoy Nagoki’s exercises throughout the book and there’s also a workbook companion for this one! Her podcast is wonderful as well and goes over the topics discussed in the book. You can find worksheets here.

"Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire" by Dr. Lori Brotto,

Dr. Lori Brotto is a clinical psychologist and researcher in the field of sexual health. The book explores how mindfulness practices can be used to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction, particularly for women. It delves into techniques and exercises that can help individuals cultivate a deeper connection with their bodies and desires, ultimately improving their sexual experiences.

Research indicates that nearly half of women encounter challenges with their sexual experiences, with a significant issue being a decline in sexual interest, causing distress in their lives. When sexual satisfaction declines, it can adversely affect overall well-being. Mindfulness can be a powerful tool in overcoming various obstacles to sexual desire, such as stress, anxiety, and past negative experiences. The book offers practical advice and exercises to help women develop a more mindful approach to their sexuality and achieve a fulfilling and satisfying sexual life.

However, "Better Sex Through Mindfulness" presents a fresh approach to elevating desire, arousal, and satisfaction both in and out of intimate settings. Lori A. Brotto, a respected psychologist and sexual health researcher, introduces innovative methods to address these aspects. Being a trailblazer in using mindfulness to address sexual difficulties, Brotto has assisted numerous women in achieving more pleasurable and satisfying sexual encounters. Within this accessible and relatable audiobook, she explores the diverse factors contributing to sexual challenges, such as stress and the constant demands of modern life. Additionally, she shares real-life stories of women she has helped throughout her years of practice. Furthermore, Brotto offers simple yet effective exercises that listeners can engage in independently to enhance desire and enjoy a more fulfilling sexual life, whether their objective is to overcome a sexual hurdle or to enrich their romantic relationship.

This book also has a workbook companion and audio recordings, you can find the audio here.

"Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It" by Dr. Laurie Mintz

Dr. Laurie Mintz is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Florida. The book addresses issues related to female sexuality, orgasm inequality, and the importance of understanding and embracing female pleasure and anatomy. Mintz aims to debunk misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding female sexuality and provides practical advice and information to help women understand their bodies, achieve orgasm, and communicate effectively with their partners about their needs and desires.

The book focuses on promoting a better understanding of female sexual pleasure and encourages a more positive and informed approach to women's sexual health and experiences. Winner of the 2019 Consumer Book of the Year Award and the 2021 Media Award, this book was honored by leading sexuality organizations for its exceptional role in advocating sexual health. Initially recognized by the Society for Sex Therapy and Research and later by the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, these awards underline the book's significant contribution.

Recent research, published in scientific journals, corroborates the book's impact. Women engaging with its content report increased frequency of orgasms, heightened arousal, reduced discomfort, improved body image, and greater sexual contentment. For men, the book serves as a valuable resource, guiding them to master the art of pleasuring women and enhancing sexual communication. It has a chapter towards the end summarizing the book so you can give it to your partner and share the wisdom!

Our understanding of sexuality has been fundamentally flawed. Conventional narratives perpetuated by mainstream media, movies, and adult entertainment have ingrained the notion that sex equals penile-vaginal interaction, relegating all other aspects to a secondary status. Penetration is portrayed as the primary means through which men consistently achieve orgasm. However, this approach does not align with how women typically achieve orgasm. The separation between our most dependable pathway to orgasm—clitoral stimulation—and the societal expectation for orgasm through penetration has created a significant pleasure gap between genders:

• 50% of women aged 18-35 express difficulty in attaining orgasm with a partner.

• In their last sexual encounter, 64% of women compared to 91% of men reported experiencing an orgasm.

• First-time hookup encounters result in orgasm for 55% of men but only 4% of women.

In "Becoming Cliterate," Dr. Laurie Mintz, a distinguished psychology professor and expert in human sexuality, delves into this pervasive cultural issue and offers viable solutions. Drawing upon evidence from diverse fields such as biology, sociology, linguistics, and sex therapy, the book presents a comprehensive, accessible, and actionable approach. "Becoming Cliterate" encompasses:

• Cultural and historical analyses of female orgasm, revealing the longstanding nature of this problem.

• An anatomy section, demystifying the intricacies beneath the surface.

• Proven techniques for achieving clitoral-focused sexual experiences, emphasizing the importance of mental preparation.

• A conclusive chapter tailored for men, recognizing that cliteracy extends beyond physical anatomy.

"Becoming Cliterate" addresses both individual and societal challenges. It offers updated perspectives and tangible skills necessary to shift our collective mindset about sex. The time has come to educate both women and men about fostering fulfilling experiences in the bedroom that benefit all parties involved. The revolution is on the horizon, and "Becoming Cliterate" presents a revolutionary yet uncomplicated solution for progress and pleasure, ushering in a new era of sexual fulfillment for everyone.

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersey and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencill

"Desire" is an inclusive and sex-positive guidebook that addresses the common issue of differing libidos in relationships. Written by two certified sex therapists, the book aims to dispel shame and misconceptions surrounding sex. It encourages readers of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and relationship dynamics to understand the true workings of libido. Given the scarcity of certified sex therapists, especially under 1,100 in the country, this crucial resource offers practical insights into desire differences, going beyond the typical focus on cisgender women seen in traditional sex self-help genres.

The authors provide expert advice on embracing a broader understanding of sex, recognizing various factors affecting libido, dealing with anxiety associated with sex (a major libido inhibitor), and addressing societal pressures and norms that impact libido, such as cisnormativity, heteronormativity, compulsory sexuality, and minority stress. The book challenges the conventional "staircase" model of sex and integrates evidence-based relationship therapy techniques to enhance communication about sex.

Readers will find a multitude of techniques, exercises, checklists, and journal prompts to suit their individual needs and pace, including practices like mindfulness, body mapping, and sensate focus. "Desire" supports readers in achieving their unique sexual health objectives, regardless of their identity, sexual practices, or reasons for engaging with the book.

It has basic information about how desire works. I liked its organization and the “sexual journal prompts” in each section.

"Wanting To Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive" by Dr. Madeleine Castellanos.

Published on November 8, 2014, it focuses on understanding and addressing the factors that can negatively impact one's sex life and desire, as well as providing guidance on how to maintain a fulfilling and active sexual life. Dr. Castellanos, a psychiatrist specializing in sexual health, explores various psychological and physiological aspects that can affect sexual desire and offers strategies to enhance and sustain a healthy sexual relationship.

Dr. Madeleine Castellanos delves into the intricate and interconnected reasons behind a diminished sexual desire and pleasure. Dr. Castellanos provides a thorough analysis of common dynamics that can stifle pleasure and dampen desire. Readers gain insight into potential factors in their lives or relationships that might hinder the full experience of sexual pleasure and arousal. Each chapter offers practical exercises aimed at removing obstacles preventing the complete expression of one's sexual identity. This is a pretty short and easy read.

In the book, you will discover:

• How anxiety can significantly reduce or eliminate pleasure.

• Methods to address thoughts and notions that contribute to frustration and disappointment.

• Genuine ways to nurture your sexual identity.

• The true source of power regarding your sexuality.

• Strategies to overcome negative emotions that negatively impact both desire and relationships.

"Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life" by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller.

The book explores the science of sexual fantasies and desires, drawing on extensive research and surveys to provide insights into human sexuality. It delves into various aspects of sexual desire, discussing common fantasies, taboo fantasies, and how understanding these desires can help improve communication and satisfaction in relationships. Justin J. Lehmiller is a social psychologist and researcher known for his work in the field of human sexuality.

Lehmiller conducted an extensive and groundbreaking study, spanning two years and involving over 4,000 participants from diverse backgrounds, making it the most comprehensive scientific survey on Americans' sexual fantasies to date. His research aims to uncover the true desires of Americans in the realm of sexuality and understand the possibility of fulfilling these desires. The book sheds light on our fantasy landscapes and what they disclose about us. Not only does it aid readers in comprehending their own sexual inclinations and achieving fulfillment within their relationships, but it also fosters an appreciation for the significant differences in desires that may exist within their partners.

A deeper understanding of the wide array of human sexual desires and the underlying reasons for this diversity, individuals can reduce distress, anxiety, and shame related to their own sexual fantasies. Furthermore, it facilitates an understanding of the often distinct sexual preferences of partners. Ultimately, "Tell Me What You Want" strives to empower readers to enrich their sexual experiences and cultivate more gratifying relationships and marriages. It achieves this by encouraging open conversations about sexual fantasies and integrating them into the fabric of readers' sexual realities, breaking down barriers that hinder such discussions.

Have you read any of these books? Are you adding one to your reading list? Let me know in the comments!

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