On being intentional…
“Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and neural connection grows”
One of my first questions are: Where would you like to start? What brings you here? What makes it worth it? I believe being intentional and keeping close to heart your reasons to engage in this work is very powerful. We each come to our relationships with our own histories, hurts, habits, expectations… Our own world views. Each of our minds is their own microcosm that we are hoping to unite.
When we gather, we become something ‘more than’. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” So understanding our self and our relationship is more than seeing what each partner does- or fails to do- it is about seeing what we create when we come together. What is it about this person and your relationship that is worth putting forward the effort not just to ‘gain insight’ but to put forward the effort to make changes that align to what you’d like to see in your relationship?
Intentionality refers to the deliberate and purposeful direction of one's attention and actions toward a specific goal, outcome, or focus. It involves being consciously aware of one's choices and decisions, and actively aligning behaviors and thoughts with a desired intention. In the context of relationships, intentionality means cultivating meaningful connections by mindfully engaging with a partner, fostering open communication, and making deliberate efforts to enhance emotional bonding and shared experiences. It involves being present and engaged in interactions, leading to more authentic and fulfilling connections.
When you are intentional about where you direct your attention, the neurons in your brain become more active and engaged in processing information related to your intention. As you consistently focus your attention on a particular goal or objective, the neural firing associated with that intention becomes more robust, strengthening the connections between relevant neurons. This process contributes to the formation of a cognitive and neural pathway dedicated to your intention.
In other words, being intentional about your thoughts and actions can lead to heightened neural activity and the growth of neural connections that support and reinforce your intention. This concept aligns with the broader understanding of neuroplasticity, where repeated patterns of neural firing, driven by attention and intentionality, lead to lasting changes in the brain's structure and function.
In practical terms, being intentional about your goals, aspirations, and actions may lead to more effective learning, skill development, and behavior change. By consciously directing your attention and intention toward specific tasks or objectives, you are more likely to activate the neural pathways that contribute to your desired outcomes.
Have in mind that your answers to the questions above may evolve over the course of this journey. Take a pause here to check in with yourself about your immediate reactions and share with your partner the reasons why you’d like to build a thriving relationship with them. This is a great opportunity to let your partner know all the wonderful little things that make them special to you…
Here are some key takeaways that couples can apply to their partnership:
Mindful Communication: Just as attention shapes neural firing, attentive and mindful communication is essential for nurturing a healthy relationship. Couples can learn to actively listen, show genuine interest, and be fully present when communicating with each other. This focused attention can strengthen neural connections associated with understanding and empathy, leading to improved communication and emotional connection.
Positive Focus: Couples can benefit from intentionally directing their attention toward positive aspects of the relationship. By emphasizing shared experiences, fond memories, and each other's strengths, partners can cultivate a positive perspective and reinforce neural pathways linked to satisfaction and happiness.
Shared Experiences: Engaging in shared activities and experiences can stimulate neural firing patterns associated with bonding and closeness. Couples can learn to prioritize quality time together, whether through hobbies, date nights, or travel. These shared moments can contribute to the growth of connections that support emotional intimacy.
Intimate Connection: Similar to the growth of connections in the brain, intentional efforts to nurture physical and emotional intimacy can strengthen the bond between partners. Couples can explore ways to enhance their sensual and sexual connection by being attentive to each other's desires and needs.
Conflict Resolution: Redirecting attention away from negative patterns of interaction and focusing on effective conflict resolution strategies can promote the growth of healthier neural connections. Couples can learn to approach conflicts with open communication, active listening, and a willingness to find mutually satisfactory solutions.
Gratitude and Appreciation: Couples can apply the principle of attention to cultivate gratitude and appreciation for each other. By regularly acknowledging and expressing gratitude for the positive qualities and contributions of their partner, couples can reinforce neural pathways linked to positive feelings and connection.
Emotional Resilience: Just as repeated neural firing strengthens connections, couples can develop emotional resilience by intentionally working through challenges and setbacks together. By facing difficulties with a collaborative mindset, couples can foster a sense of unity and support, leading to the growth of resilient neural networks.
Consistency and Patience: Just as sustained attention leads to lasting neural changes, couples can recognize that building a strong relationship requires consistent effort and patience over time. By intentionally investing in their partnership and practicing these principles, couples can cultivate enduring connections and a thriving relationship.
Overall, the concept of "where attention goes, neural firing flows, and connections grow" provides couples with a metaphorical framework for understanding the role of intention, focus, and effort in nurturing a fulfilling and resilient relationship. By applying these principles, couples can create positive habits, enhance their connection, and promote long-lasting emotional bonds.
If you’d like personalized help exploring and applying this to your life and relationships, click here to request a session.
I am a PhD in Clinical Sexology candidate at Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and have a Master of Science in Educational Psychology. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
