Stonewalling, identified by Dr. John Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," is a communication behavior where a person disengages or withdraws from a conversation or interaction. It typically involves shutting down emotionally, refusing to respond, and often giving the silent treatment. To counteract stonewalling and maintain healthy communication in a relationship, consider these strategies:

1. Recognize Stonewalling: Awareness is the first step. Understand and acknowledge when stonewalling is happening in yourself or your partner during a conversation.

2. Take a Break and Self-Soothe: If you or your partner feel overwhelmed or flooded with emotions, take a break to calm down and self-soothe. It's essential to manage your own emotional state before engaging in meaningful conversation.

3. Set a Time for Reengagement: Agree on a specific time to revisit the conversation after taking a break. This allows both parties to gather their thoughts and emotions and come back to the discussion with a fresh perspective.

4. Use "I" Statements to Express Feelings: Share your feelings and perspective using "I" statements to convey how the situation or issue has affected you emotionally. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when..." rather than blaming or accusing your partner.

5. Ask for Clarification and Understanding: If your partner is stonewalling, ask if they need a break or clarification on the issue. Encourage them to express themselves and validate their feelings.

6. Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe and open environment where both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions without judgment or criticism. Show genuine interest in understanding each other's perspectives.

7. Seek Professional Help: If stonewalling is a persistent issue in your relationship, consider couples counseling or therapy. A skilled therapist can help identify the underlying causes of stonewalling and provide tools to improve communication.

8. Practice Active Listening: Develop active listening skills, demonstrating empathy and understanding towards your partner's concerns. Reflect back what they've said to ensure you've understood their point of view.

9. Work on Emotional Regulation: Learn techniques to regulate your emotions effectively. This can include mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, or other relaxation techniques that help you stay calm and engaged during difficult conversations.

10. Focus on Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to non-verbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These cues can give you insights into your partner's emotions even if they are stonewalling verbally.

11. Rebuild Trust and Connection: Work on rebuilding trust and connection in the relationship. Often, stonewalling is a result of a breakdown in trust or unresolved issues. Take steps to repair and strengthen your bond.

Research has found that partners stonewalling partners typically have higher physiological arousal and tend to stonewall as a way to cope with overwhelming stimuli, difficulty managing the stimulation, and- as I heard from many clients- to avoid getting out of control and saying something they’ll regret later. Overcoming stonewalling requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to improve communication. Consistent effort from both partners can lead to healthier and more productive conversations.

As adults with busy lives, it may be sometimes hard to take care of ourselves in a consistent way. Make sure you’re eating enough, drink plenty of water, and get good quality sleep. That's the first step towards addressing conflict! Try to practice mindsight’s lens: objectivity, observation, and openness. Look for how you’re contributing to your relationships patterns instead of solely pointing fingers at your partner.

If you’d like personalized support managing conflict in your relationship, click here to request a session.

*Please note that these suggestions are not directed to relationships where intimate partner violence is taking place.*